


A Voice for Tony Stark

by HappyPoodle



Series: Finding Hope [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicide Attempt, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-05
Updated: 2015-12-01
Packaged: 2018-04-13 02:06:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4503702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HappyPoodle/pseuds/HappyPoodle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Initially, this was just going to be a story of Pepper's suicide-prevention charity encouraging Rhodey to talk to Tony. It's now morphing into all the avengers telling Tony how much me means to them. Now it's morphed again into the Story of how Ultron is created.</p><p>This is my first fic and has not been beta'd by anyone. I just had a thought and wrote it down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Voice for Amelia

Pepper stared out at the sea of journalists in front of her. This was the part she had been dreading. She knew it was important- probably the most important thing- to make it personal, to make herself vulnerable in the hopes of encouraging others to do so. But she was so used to being wearing the mask of _Virginia Potts-CEO_ , the CEO who was perfectly calm, perfectly professional and perfectly sure of herself (or at least, perfect at pretending to be sure of herself). This felt inappropriate, like standing naked in front of the world. She cleared her throat self consciously. _Time to get on with it, Potts._

“Amelia. In the years since you left us, there have been so many things I’ve wanted to tell you. At first, it was the simple thing- how I missed your smile, the way you’d elbow me in the ribs when I saw my crush, the way you were always so patient when I got Keats and Yeats mixed up. Later, it became bigger things; all the ways you could have changed the world, if you’d been here. The way you would have kicked Lizzie’s abusive boyfriend to the curb in a way I couldn’t. When I took my first English class in university, I saw you up there in front, lecturing passionately on the importance of literature in driving social change. When I first met Tony, I wanted to call you up to squeal about meeting the famous Tony Stark. A year later, I wanted to phone you up so you could give me the courage to quit. 

When I became CEO, you were still the first person I wanted to tell. And I will always be sorry that you didn’t know that. I thought it was obvious, the way I loved you, the way your sister looked up to you, the way the world needed you. I thought it was obvious, so I said nothing. And now you’re gone.” 

Pepper heard her voice starting to crack and took a deep, shaking breath. “You were so important and so loved and we all failed you. We all waited until it was too late to speak up. Listening to the stream of classmates speaking at your funeral, I couldn’t help but wish they’d spoken a week earlier, when you’d still been alive to hear them. So today, in your honor, I’m speaking up. I’m creating a safe space for all those who spoke up too late, to work to prevent others from making the same mistakes. A suicide prevention program for youths, supported by those who spoke up too late. There are so many things you would have done, would have said, if you’d been alive today. Through this foundation, maybe I can keep your voice alive even after you have left us. Today I announce “A voice for Amelia.”

  
***************************************************************************************************************************************************  


“Great speech!”

Pepper turned to see Rhodey squeezing his way through the throngs of people at the reception. “Thank you!” She offered him her first genuine smile since her speech. “I thought it was time I did something. Losing Amelia, almost losing Tony in Malibu…” 

“I know.” Rhodey gave her shoulder a squeeze. “Believe me Pepper,” he took a shaky breath. “I know.”

“Rhodey?” She looked up at him in surprise, noticing the faint redness of his eyes. “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine.” He waved her concern away. “It’s just…there was someone, in MIT. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know what to say. So I didn’t say anything. I didn’t lose them, but…it was close.” He took another deep breath. “I still haven’t told them actually.” He gave Pepper a rueful smile.

“Oh James,” She pulled him in for a hug. “I’m sorry.” 

“Not your fault Pep,” He murmured. “just mine, for being a coward.”

“So maybe” she said cautiously. “It’s time to have that conversation?”

Rhodey pulled out of her embrace, quickly scrubbing at his cheeks. “I think it might be.” He gave her a small smile. “For Amelia.”

Now it was Pepper’s turn to wipe away tears. “For Amelia.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The inspiration for Pepper's charity was the chain of youth suicides that have happened in Canada due to bullying. In all of these cases, once the victim was dead, people came out of the woodwork to talk about them and support them. The (hypothetical) idea behind Pepper's charity would be to encourage people to speak up before someone take's their own life.  
> If you know anyone who you think might be considering suicide, don't be afraid to talk to them!  
> Suicide helplines/websites:  
> http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/canada-suicide-hotlines.html  
> 1-800-273-TALK (US)  
> https://teenlineonline.org  
> http://suicideprevention.ca/thinking-about-suicide/find-a-crisis-centre/


	2. On Leaving Some Friends at an Early Hour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhodey talks to Tony 
> 
> Title taken from a Keats poem of the same name

Tony turned the TV off with an angry stab of the remote, ignoring the surprised looks from the other avengers. He could feel his hands shaking, and he quickly tucked them into his pockets. “What?” He said, trying to sound nonchalant. “Speech’s over.”

“Yes.” Steve said slowly. “It was very moving.” 

“Hah.” The laugh slipped out before Tony could stop it. “Yes, Pepper obviously cared very much about _Amelia_.”

“Did you…” Steve hesitated. “did you…know someone who…?”

Tony snorted. “You all know I’m too much of a selfish dick to care about something like that.” 

They were all staring at him now. Steve had those sad puppy eyes, all confused and worried. 

“Just- never mind.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I have work to do.” And he ran down to his lab, like the coward he was. What was he supposed to tell them? That watching Pepper speak up for this _Amelia_ , who she’d known for 5 years in high school, made him fucking _jealous_? They all sat there, crying for Amelia, the way no one would ever cry for him. It shouldn’t cut the way it did, but this time, with Pepper, he’d let himself get his hopes up. He’d let himself think maybe, this time, someone cared. He should have known better. His father had raised him better.

******************************************************************************************************************************************

 

Tony had the welding torch out, fixing a joint on his armor, when Rhodey walked into the lab. 

“Tony?”

Tony ignored him. He didn’t feel like talking. 

“Tony!”

Tony turned the torch off and flipped his visor up, but kept his back to Rhodey. “What do you want?” 

“I’m here to apologize.”

“What?” Shock made Tony whip around to face Rhodey. 

“Watching that speech… Seeing Pepper start a whole charity for Amelia, when I never had the fucking courage…” Rhodey paused, scrubbed a hand over his face. “I’m sorry man. You deserve better. I’m a sorry fucking excuse for a friend- back then and now. But here I am, and I’m not chickening out this time.”

A weight settled into the pit of Tony’s stomach. “I thought you said we’d never talk about it.”

“Fuck that.” Rhodey growled. “I only agreed because I was being a coward. I’m here to do what I should have done twenty years ago.” 

He pulled a rumpled piece of paper out of his pocket and cleared his throat self-consciously. “When I first joined the military, whenever it felt like too much, when I thought I couldn’t take any more, I thought of you. The way every single fucking day must have felt like too much, and yet you kept going. Hell- you fucking _ran_! MIT by 15, inventing things no one had ever dreamed of! You took every beating that fucker threw at you and you got up fighting harder every time.” He glanced up at Tony. “At least, that’s what I thought. I watched you, with your swagger, your sarcasm, and your complete disregard for the rules and I thought you were the strongest mother fucker I knew. So I never said anything. Never asked how you were doing.”

Rhodey looked up again and this time kept his eyes locked on Tony’s. “I never saw how alone you were. Never thought that even the strongest guy I knew could break. When I got your message I…” Rhodey’s voice broke. “I still remember it, word-for-word, twenty years later. I’ve never been so fucking terrified in my life.” He stopped, taking a deep breath. 

“And then you did it again.” Rhodey let out a weak laugh. “Pulled out another miracle. So I took the coward’s way out, again.”

Tony set down his welding torch and sat down slowly on his chair, eyes never leaving Rhodey’s face. “Rhodey…”

“Let me finish!” Rhodey interrupted. “I should have known. I should have seen it, even then. The way you always put other first, even if you act like such an asshole they’d never think to realize it.” Rhodey let out a sharp laugh. “You could’ve won an Oscar for that performance!”

“I should have seen how desperate you were not to be a burden.” He continued. “Hell, you were so desperate to keep me from realizing you were dying you nearly destroyed our relationship! You fooled me for so long Tony! And it makes me sad to think you’ve fooled so many other people as well. You can play an asshole like nobody’s business. You want to make sure no one _can_ care, so you don’t have to know if anyone _would_ care. But Tony...” Tears were running freely down Rhodey’s face, but he made no effort to wipe them away. Tony wanted to tell him to stop crying, to stop _talking_ , but he was frozen in place. 

“Tony, _I_ care. I care _so_ much. You’ve been there for me every step of the way. You’re still the strongest man I know. You’re also one of the most selfless. You’ve taken every beating and you’ve gotten up fighting every time, but you shouldn’t have had to fight alone. I should have been there to pull you to your feet; to stand between you and the _fucking_ Howard’s of the world. You’ve changed the world- you’ve changed _me_ \- in ways I could never imagine. It would be a fucking tragedy if you were gone. I’m done standing aside and keeping my words to myself.”

Rhodey wiped the tears from his face and squared his shoulders. “I love you Tony. You’re like the brother I never had and never deserved. You deserve so much better than you’ve got, but out of everything you deserve, you deserve to know you are loved. So say what you want. Push and shove and do your best to convince me you’re an asshole. I know better and I’m not going _anywhere_.”

Tony stared at Rhodey. He could feel himself shaking, feel tears gathering at the edge of his eyes. He hated himself for it, for being weak. He wanted so badly to believe what Rhodey was saying, but he knew he couldn’t afford that hope. This was everything he’d dreamed of when he was 16 and alone, and he knew that if it was a lie it would break him. 

“ _Jesus fucking Christ_ , Rhodey! “ His voice wavered and he cleared his throat. “Does everything have to be about you? Let Pepper have her moment for fuck’s sake and give up! Playing martyr doesn’t suit you.” He flipped his faceplate down and turned back to his welding. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Rhodey hesitate for a moment before grabbing a piece of paper and scribbling something on it. He set the paper down on the workbench beside Tony and left the lab. Eventually, curiosity got the better of Tony and he picked up the paper. 

_I meant every word_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The whole "Rhodey pulling a piece of paper from his pocket" is supposed to come across like Rhodey is being adorable and had to write his speech down ahead of time so he didn't screw it up. I hope it came across that way?  
> Also, be prepared for more epically wonderful chapter summaries from me. I literally have no idea what to say in them.  
> Who knew that emotional speeches had so many italics? Hopefully I didn't miss any and there aren't any random HTML markers floating around in this...!  
> 


	3. The Sorrow of Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pepper goes to visit Tony in his lab after her speech.
> 
> Title inspired by William Butler Yeats "The Sorrow of Love"  
> (Hopefully I'll keep finding poems that fit the theme of each chapter!)
> 
> Still un-beta'd. Read at your own risk!

Pepper slipped her shoes off and tip-toed into the apartment. She tried not to let her feelings sink when she found the bedroom dark and empty. “Jarvis, is Tony in his lab?”

“ _Yes ma’am. I believe he left a note for you on the dresser?_ ”

Pepper walked over and picked up the note. 

_Pepper,_

_You were amazing tonight, as always. Amelia would be proud._

_Love,_

 _Tony_

Pepper stared at it for a moment. “Jarvis? What time did Tony leave this?”

There was a pause. “ _I believe he left it at 6pm._

 _Before the speech._ Pepper pressed a fist to her lips, trying to hold back the tears. “Jarvis? He watched the speech, didn’t he?”

“ _Yes ma’am._ ”

 _Oh Tony!_ “I told him he didn’t have to. That stupid, pig-headed, _idiot_! Did he think _this_ ” she waved the letter “would fool me?”

“ _He did not choose to share his motivations in this matter._

“Of course not.” Pepper moved to the bathroom and started taking the bobby pins out of her hair. She was exhausted, but she wasn’t going to leave Tony alone in the lab. Not after what he’d done for her. She finished taking her hair down and exchanged her dress for a pair of sweats and a tank top. “Lab please, Jarvis.” She asked, stepping into the elevator.

Tony hadn’t tried to lock her out, which was a good sign. But he didn’t turn around when she walked into the lab. 

“I got your letter.” Pepper said softly.

“Pepper…please” Tony said brokenly, still not looking at her. “I can’t do this right now. I..I’m sorry.” He hunched over in his chair, shoulders tensing.

“Shh.” She wrapped her arms around him from behind and leaned her head against his shoulder. “You don’t have to talk. I just wanted to tell you thank you. You’re an idiot,” she smacked him lightly on the head “but thank you. Jarvis told me you wrote the letter beforehand. I hope you know you don’t have to pretend to be okay for me.”

“It didn’t want to ruin it for you.” Tony mumbled, still hunched over.

“You could never ruin it for me dearheart.” She pressed a kiss to his temple. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to – _I_ won’t talk about it if you don’t want me to- but I’m always here for you. I love you”

Tony didn’t reply, but he did reach up to hold her hands where they rested on his chest.

*************************************************************************************************************

 

Pepper woke up on the fold-out bed in the lab, Tony sprawled beside her. She looked at her watch. _6 o’clock. Already late._. She slid out of bed, careful not to disturb Tony, and made her way to the elevator. The sight of a very sweaty Steve Rogers greeted her when the elevator doors slid open.

“Pepper!” Steve’s brows furrowed. “Getting a late start?” Pepper usually caught him in the mornings before he went for his run.

She gave a rueful shrug. “Fell asleep in the lab and forgot to set an alarm.” She laughed at the alarmed look on Steve’s face. “Don’t worry- I’m not turning into Tony. I just wanted to see him last night.”

“He didn’t come up to see you after your speech?” Steve’s frown deepened. 

Pepper shrugged. “You know how he gets.”

The door opened on Steve’s floor. “Well, we all think it is a wonderful you’re doing Pepper.”

Pepper smiled gently. “Thank you. Now shoo! You need to shower and I need to get to the office before my PA has a heart attack!” By the time the doors closed again, she was already lost in the numbers for the R&D budget review at 9 AM.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pepper deserves to be treated so much better than the Iron Man movies have treated her, so I'm trying to give her something better here. It took me a while to sort out this chapter, because I didn't want to fall into the trope of the angry/resentful girlfriend. Pepper is too smart for that! I'm pretty happy with how she is turning out, though. Maybe not so happy with this chapter as a whole- it feels a little clunky to me. Oh well. I wasn't getting anywhere with my editing, so I'm just posting it. (But I see that two people bookmarked it and I'm overwhelmed with guilt that you're going to be disappointed now. I hope not!)
> 
> It looks like these are going to be short chapters. I posted the first two before the idea was completely fleshed out, and it seems to be coming out in short chunks. Hopefully I keep plugging them out though! It seems like I can't keep things short and fluffy- I keep coming up with character development and plot bunnies. I'll try to keep it contained as much as I can. I'll also try to keep the quality up.


	4. That I might drink, and leave the world unseen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony really wants a drink. It's Clint's turn to give him a pep talk. 
> 
> Title from _Ode to a Nightingale_ by Keats. (I love this poem and I'm love with how this is appropriate at so many levels!)
> 
> Also lots of swearing. Sorry. It just seemed appropriate for the characters.

_In Tony’s dream he smells the alcohol before he hears Howard. He knows it isn’t true, knows Howard wasn’t even particularly drunk that day. But in his dreams, it doesn’t matter._

_“Boy! What are you doing down here?”_

_Tony curls away from the angry words, quickly pulling his hands back from the circuit board in front of him. He says nothing. He is old enough to know nothing he can say will matter._

_“I don’t need you distracting people!” A rough hand grabs Tony’s shoulder, pulling him away._

_“Actually, Tony thought...” The young engineer started nervously._

_“He’s 12! What sort of thoughts could he have?” Howard snarled. “I don’t pay you to play make-believe!”_

_“Sorry sir.” The engineer turned back to his work, face flushing._

_“Now, what did I say about distracting people?” Howard started dragging Tony back towards the elevator._

_Tony felt tears prickling at his eyes. He pushed them back. He’d just get beaten worse if he cried. “The design was inefficient..” he muttered quietly._

_Howard’s grip tightened on his arm until he felt the bones grind together. “I designed that circuit. You think you’re smarter than me?”_

_“No sir.” Tony whispered. His gaze darted around the lab, trying to catch someone’s eye. Surely_ someone _would see what was happening and would come to his rescue. But everyone kept their eyes trained on their work._

_Then, the elevator doors were closing and it was too late. “Please sir!” The tears Tony had tried so hard to hold back were escaping to trail down his cheeks. “I’ll be good. Please…”_

Tony woke with a start, his face still damp with tears. He was alone in the lab. “Jarvis?” He gasped.

“ _Sir, it is currently 7:02 in the morning. The weather in New York is sunny and 15 degrees._ ”

“Pepper?” He _knew_ she’d be at work, but he couldn’t quiet the worry that she’d disappeared in the night and left him alone.

“ _Mrs. Potts is in her office._ ”

Tony closed his eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. He hadn’t had a dream about Howard in years and it had thrown him.

“ _May I remind you sir that you have a meeting with Mrs. Potts about the R &D budget at 9AM. _”

“Right.” Tony scrubbed at his face. “Getting up.” He shuffled his way into the elevator and hit the button for the main floor he shared with the rest of the Avengers. Hopefully someone had made coffee.

He found Steve in the kitchen, finishing off the remains of his breakfast. “Morning.” Steve said, far too cheerfully for Tony’s taste.

Tony just grunted and headed straight for the coffee machine.

“You’re up early.”

Tony didn’t bother to reply, too enraptured by the smell rising from his steaming cup of coffee. He took a big gulp, ignoring how it burnt his tongue. He still felt trapped in the foggy remains of his nightmare, Howard’s voice muttering in the back of his head. He needed the clarity of caffeine. After he’d downed his first cup and started on his second, he finally turned to look at Steve. “Morning.” It was still more of a mumble than actual words, but it was a start. 

Steve was looking at him intently. “Are you ok? You don’t look so good.” 

“Fine.” Tony muttered, rubbing at his head. It seemed he was developing a headache on top of everything else.

Steve bit his lip, looking like he wanted to say something else. A sick feeling settled in the pit of Tony’s stomach. “No.” He snapped. “I haven’t been drinking. Fuck you too.” He slammed his coffee cup down so hard he heard it crack and stormed out of the kitchen. 

“Fucking Steve!” He snarled to himself when he got to his lab. “Just had to rub it in. Couldn’t let me forget what a fuck-up I am.” He poured a cup of cold, stale, coffee from the lab pot. He was pretty sure it was only two days old; three at the most.

“ _Sir,_ ” Jarvis said hesitantly “ _might I point out that Mr. Rogers did not actually mention your drinking?_ ”

“He didn’t have to.” Tony muttered darkly. The worst part was that Steve was _right_. He was an alcoholic. Six months of sobriety didn’t change anything. And _god_ did he ever want a drink. He downed the tepid coffee in a single gulp and poured himself another cup. “Tell Pepper I’m not going to make the meeting.”

“ _Sir.._ ”

“Do it, Jarvis. And initiate lockdown procedures. I don’t need anyone else’s judgement today.” 

“ _Yes, sir._ ”

“Then bring me the files from…” _Howard_ “the old Stark Industries missile targeting program. It’s got a consistent 5% overshoot. H..” _fuck!_ “ _he_ was always sloppy with Q  & A.” 

_Is that the best you can do, boy?_ Howard’s voice echoed in his ears. _There isn’t an original thought in that brain, is there?_

“Fuck off!” Tony clutched his hands over his ears. “You’re dead, you asshole. You lost!” But alone in his lab, hands shaking where they still clutched at his hair, it didn’t feel much like victory. 

************************************************************************************************************

That was how Tony ended up at the range at god-knows what time, trying to test the new targeting system. He’d thought about going up to see Pepper around dinner, but he’d missed her meeting and it was easier just to hide in his lab. So, instead, he’d jury-rigged the system to work with one of the remote-operated suits and programmed a new, more complex pattern for the targets at the range. If some of the targets had a picture of Howard’s face taped to them, well, there was no one here to see it. It hadn't made Tony feel any better, but he also hadn't started drinking yet, so he was calling it a draw. 

There was a laugh from behind Tony. “Okay, I’m not sure what’s going on here, but I could get into it.” Clint said, sauntering up. 

“Oh.” Tony rubbed at the back of his neck. “It’s one of, uh, Howard’s old patents. I’ve been going through them, trying to fix some of the more obvious flaws…” He didn’t want to have to explain himself to Clint. He’d never meant for anyone to find out about this project. _This would be so much easier if I were drunk._

Clint’s eyes narrowed. “You’re overwriting all of his old patents, aren’t you?”

Tony just shrugged and looked away.

“Look,” Clint said, “I don’t know if you know this, but my childhood wasn’t exactly all roses either. I mean, my parents might have been okay. I never got a chance to know. But there was this guy, at the circus...A real asshole. He took my brother and I under his wing. Or, I thought he did.” Clint shrugged. “I was a kid. Didn’t know any better. Eventually, I figured it out. But he had plenty of time to fuck with me before then. Fucked with my head too. I kinda get the feeling Howard liked to fuck with yours, too.” Clint looked at him questioningly. After a moment, Tony nodded. 

“Yeah.” Clint sighed. “Fuck that motherfucker. That was the worst part.” He took a deep breath, then continued. “I hated him. But he’d fucking _made_ me. I wanted to run away, to erase him entirely. But how can you run away from something that’s a part of you?” 

“Fuck.” Tony said thickly. This was hitting a little too close to home. He scrubbed at his face and looked away, not willing to meet Clint’s eyes.

“Sorry, sorry!” Clint put his hands up. “I swear I’m going somewhere not totally depressing with this.” He reached up and pulled his bow off his back. “You see this? It's part of who I am. But it's part of who I am _because_ of him.” He gave a helpless shrug. “What the hell do you with that?”  
  
“Drink?” Tony suggested with a wry smile. 

"Yeah.” Clint gave a short laugh. “I killed people instead. Worked out about as well.”

“So what changed?”

Clint shrugged. “I realized I can't change the past. The shooting, the fighting- he made me a weapon. That's done. No going back. It was depressing as hell at first; to realize I couldn’t erase what he did to me. So I got mad.” Clint offered Tony a small smile. “Sorta like you’re doing now. And I decided that I wasn’t going to let him fuck up my future the way he fucked up my past. He’s still part of me,” Clint tapped his chest, “but that doesn’t mean I’ve gotta use what he gave me the way he wanted. I can fucking twist it and shape it until it's something he would never have dreamed of. Until I'm a fucking _super hero_ working for _SHIELD_.” Clint smiled grimly. “I want that mother fucker rolling in his grave.”

Tony turned to look at the machine in front of him. “And here I am, following in Howard's footsteps like a good little boy. He's probably dancing a fucking jig.”

“Are you kidding me? Look,” Clint put a hand on Tony's shoulder “you haven't ever talked much about Howard, but from what I can guess? I’m pretty sure his worst nightmare was to be overshadowed by his son. And right now, you ask a person on the street? They don't know who the hell Howard Stark is. But Tony Stark? Iron man?" Clint punctuated his words by prodding Tony's chest. “The guy who saved both the president and the entire fucking _world_? The guy who miniaturized the arc reactor and made the biggest leap in green energy in this century? Yeah. They know who he is.” Clint stepped back. “Let me tell you, the team is _damn _glad we ended up with you and not Howard.”__

__“Even Steve?” It was weak, but Tony couldn't hold the question back._ _

__“Steve more than anyone. He's lost a lot. I get that he misses the old days. It's nostalgia and all that shit. But he's not an idiot. He knows good people when he sees them. And you’re good people.” Clint turned back to the range. "Now, enough with this feelings crap. Let's shoot this asshole!”_ _

__Tony laughed, surreptitiously wiping the tears of his cheek. "Be my guest. Twenty bucks says you can't beat the robot."_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I say the chapters would be coming in short chunks? Lies! All lies! 
> 
> I'm much happier with this chapter, probably because I've got a soft spot for Clint. 
> 
> Next up- probably Banner? (no promises, but Mark Ruffalo made Bruce so adorably awkward!)
> 
> Thank you to everyone leaving comments/kudos/bookmarks! You make my day!


	5. And say my glory was I had such friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are not going well for Tony or Bruce. Luckily, they both have some very good (and very scary) friends. 
> 
> Title from William Butler Yeats _Municipal Gallery Revisited_

“Told you so.” Clint smirked.

Tony thought about arguing. The robot would have won if Clint hadn’t used an explosive arrow to create smoke. Then again, Clint had unveiled a major flaw in the programming…

“Hey,” Clint shrugged, “you want a shitty robot that can’t shoot through smoke, you can use this one. I just thought you’d want it _fully_ tested.”

 _Damn it!_ Tony handed over the twenty bucks. “Maybe if I tweak the spectrometry...”

“Uh, uh.” Clint shook his head. “You are not going back to your lab. You’re going to bed, if I have to tuck you in myself.” He grabbed Tony’s arm and started towing him towards the elevator.

Tony felt a jolt when Clint grabbed him. He knew what the familiar touch meant; knew what would follow in the elevator, out of sight of prying eyes. He felt himself go lax, heard himself say “okay” in a soft voice that wasn’t his own. _Damn it Tony, not now!_ But he was tired, and it was easier to turn on auto-pilot and let himself drift away. He followed Clint into the elevator, hardly noticing when the other man dropped his arm. Clint was talking, but it wasn’t to Tony, so he ignored it. He focused on his breathing, _In…out….in….out_ , trying to maintain his distance. As long as it was only his _body_ in the elevator, he would be okay. Just a little longer, and then he’d be safe.

“Tony?” Pepper’s voice, rough with sleep, greeted him as the elevator doors opened.

Tony closed his eyes and took a deep breath, forcing himself back. When he opened his eyes again, Clint was looking at him with an unreadable expression on his face. “Sorry.” He offered a small smile. “Fell asleep on my feet for a moment there.”

“Come to bed, Tony.” Pepper held out a hand to him. He hesitated, remembering the missed meeting, but Clint gave him a push from behind and he stumbled out of the elevator and into Pepper.

“I’m sorry Pep…” He couldn’t look her in the eyes.

“Shh.” She grabbed his hand, tugging him towards the bedroom. “It’s all right. Just come to bed.” She shot a glance over her shoulder. “Thanks Clint. I’ve got him from here.”

Clint nodded and turned away, the elevator doors closing behind him. 

Tony allowed himself to be towed towards the bedroom. “The meeting…” he tried again. “I shouldn’t have blown you off like that. I just _couldn’t_. Not today.” He closed his eyes, hating how much power Howard had over him still. “I hate him, Pep. I thought once he was dead it’d be over, but it isn’t!”

“Shh.” Pepper gently pulled him down to sit beside her on the bed. “It’s okay Tony.”

“No, it isn’t!” He pulled away roughly. “I’m fucked up, Pepper! No matter how hard I try, I keep screwing things up, just like he wanted. I’m so fucking tired, Pepper!”

“I know you are." She brushed his hair back from his forehead. "You've been trying so hard to do it on your own. You always work so hard to protect all of us. Maybe it’s time for us to return the favor?” She pulled Tony back into her chest. “Let us help you dearheart. Please?”

Tony sank into the embrace. He wanted so desperately to give in. “I don’t deserve you.” He mumbled.

"Oh, hush.” Pepper ran her hair through Tony’s hair. “I’m not exactly perfect myself. I’ve been told by several sources - none of them you - that I’m a complete control freak and _far_ too assertive.” She elbowed him gently. “I’ve also been told that some men find my efficiency with spreadsheets terrifying.”

Tony choked out a laugh around his tears. “I don’t think you can spreadsheet this away, Pep.”

“No, I can’t.” She stroked his face gently with one hand. “But you don’t have to do it alone.”

“I don't want to.” He admitted, mumbling the words into her hair. "But you already put up with so much..." He knew saying out loud meant he'd already given in. 

"I can handle a little bit more." Pepper said gently.

"I want it noted I’m doing this under protest.”

“Of course you are.” He could hear her smile.

“I love you Pep.”

“Love you too, Tony.”

Lying there, cushioned on Pepper’s chest, listening to her breathe, Tony could almost pretend he was okay.

 

*********************************************************************************************************************

When he woke up, Pepper was gone, but there was a note on the nightstand.

_I cleared your schedule for the next week and told Jarvis to block your access to the SI files. Since you can override me in about 30 seconds, think of it as a gentle reminder to give yourself a break. You’re officially on vacation._  
_Love,_  
_Pepper_  
_P.S. If you’re good, I‘ll join you in a couple days. Turns out even CEOs get vacation :)_

He wasn’t surprised to find Rhodey in the kitchen when he wandered in. “I suppose you’re on vacation too?”

“Nah man, I’m here on official business.”

Tony raised a skeptical eyebrow.

“Now that you guys have gone all freelance, I’ve been sent over here to build a 'relationship’ and ‘bond’ with the superheroes. That way, when the shit hits the fan we aren’t shooting each other in the foot.”

“I see.” Tony poured himself a cup of coffee and turned back to Rhodey. “Couldn’t you just...Skype? Or do one of those retreat things? Does it have to be _here?_ ”

“No, it doesn’t." Rhodey said easily. "But I’ve got this friend going through a rough time, and I wanted to be there for him. Kick his ass into gear if I have to.” 

_Oh_. Tony froze.

“Pepper said to remember what you talked about last night. About letting people help you?” Rhodey raised an eyebrow at him.

“Right.” Tony sighed and scrubbed at his face. “Uh..Thank you?” The words felt awkward and out of place, but Rhodey smiled. Tony was trying to think of something else to say when he heard the roar.

“ _We have a code green sir._ ”

“Yeah, I got that Jarvis.” Beside him, the glasses rattled in their cupboards. “Where is he?”

“ _Dr. Banner is in his lab._ ”

“I built Dr. Banner’s lab to withstand a little temper tantrum.” Tony reassured Rhodey. “As long as I can calm him down, we should be fine.”

“ _Should_ be fine?” Rhodey said, following Tony as he made his way to the elevator. “Let me guess? _You’re_ going to calm him down?”

“Yeah.” Tony said, slipping on the Mark VII bracelets and letting the armor assemble itself around him as he walked. “It-”

“-should be fine.” Rhodey finished, shaking his head.

“You got it.” Tony smirked as the elevator doors closed between them. “Jarvis, put me through to Natasha.”

“He saw it.” Natasha’s voice came through flatly a few seconds later.

“Would appear so. But _I_ didn’t. Care to fill me in?” 

“The army just uncovered a Hydra base that was dealing in human experimentation. They’re bringing all the dirty laundry into the light and rubbing it in SHIELD’s face.”

“Ok…” That wasn’t good, but it wasn’t _code green_ bad.

“General Ross was in charge of the team. He’s being hailed as a hero.”

“And the people Hydra was experimenting on?” The elevator arrived at Bruce’s floor, but Tony held the doors closed. He wanted to hear the end of this.

“Being kept at a secret government base.” Natasha said darkly. “He’s claiming that until he knows what Hydra did to them, they're a risk to themselves and others.”

 _Yep, that would do it_. “Well, it’s been a blast Natasha, but I’ve gotta go before Brucie decides to bust outa here.” He hung up and stepped out of the elevator.

The roar that met him knocked him back half a step. “Yeah buddy.” He held his hands up. “I agree. He’s a dick.” There was another roar. Was it just his imagination, or was this one half a decibel softer? “Look, when Brucie gets back we can talk _all_ about it. I know Pepper’s already got a plan, probably involving lots of spreadsheets and some terrifying glares. But since you’re not exactly the conversational type, I thought we could do something a little more fun.” Tony sidled towards a door on the left side of the lab. “You see, I built you this awesome room, just full of stuff to smash….” Tony froze as Hulk went still, giant head turning towards him.

“Hulk...smash?”

“Yeah, so you don’t have to break all of Brucie’s stuff.” Tony carefully opened the door and waved to the stuff inside. “Look, there’s a mini statue of liberty for you to smash and those cupboards have a bunch of dishes that will sound _really_ satisfying to break-”

“HULK SMASH!” Tony froze mid-sentence as Hulk rushed past him, close enough to knock him back half a step. There was the tinkle of breaking glass (he was right, it _was_ a satisfying sound) and then Hulk turned back to him with something that might have been a smile. “Tin-man...help...smash?”

“Oh, why the hell not?” Tony raised his arm. “What should I smash first, buddy?”

 

*****************************************************************

An hour later, Bruce was back. One minute Hulk was there, the next Tony was diving to keep Bruce from face-planting into broken glass. 

“Ok buddy, let’s just sit down for a moment.” Tony lowered himself onto a clear space on the floor, pulling Bruce down beside him.

“Oh God,” Bruce moaned, “is anyone hurt?”

“We’re all fine.” Tony patted his back reassuringly. “Your lab needs a little TLC, but its nothing that money can’t fix.”

Bruce put his head in his hands. “I can’t believe I put you all at risk…” His voice was heavy with exhaustion and Tony could see him swaying where he sat. The transformation always left him exhausted; doubly so if he fought it.

“Ok, let’s get you to bed. You can have the moral crisis later.” Tony levered Bruce to his feet and started leading him towards his bedroom. “Come find us when you wake up, all right?” He was pretty sure Bruce would have argued if he’d been able to keep his eyes open. As it was, Bruce just collapsed on the bed with a groan. Tony crept carefully out of the room and headed to the elevator. “Jarvis? Let me know when Dr. Banner wakes up, and get Pepper on the line.”

“ _Yes sir._ ”

“Tony! Perfect timing. I’ve been digging and a bunch of General Ross’s bad habits were cataloged in Bruce’s file with SHIELD. That means they’re in the public domain now, even if no one’s bothered to read them.” Pepper’s voice was sharp with anger. “Unfortunately, SHIELD took a rather lackluster interested in the details.”

“Of course they did.” Tony sighed.

“Now, I don’t have access to the DOD’s records but if the army _really_ saw him as a test-subject...”

“Pepper, you’re a genius!” Tony crowed, catching on. “No point in doing an experiment if you don’t analyze the data! The army would have records of every experiment they ever ran on Bruce.”

“And hopefully the ones they were still planning on running.” Pepper added grimly.

“All we have to do is hack into the DOD.” Tony said cheerfully. This was going to be _fun_!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (But will it be fun??)
> 
> Ok- serious question. When I wrote the first two chapters, I thought it would end there. After I wrote the second chapter, I got excited by the idea of adding more to it and kept going. But sometimes I wonder if I should have kept it short and sweet? Just Rhodey/Tony love? I'm excited by some of the stuff that I've got planned, but I worry I am diminishing the impact of the first two chapters if I keep going. 
> 
> Oh well. Why stop to think when you can mindlessly charge ahead?
> 
> Anyway, I did a lot of planning and sorting and know where the rest of the chapters are going. I think there's going to be 5 more chapters (ish). 
> 
> There's currently a crazy heat-wave here, so any mistakes can be attributed to my melting brain! (Seriously, I've been staring at this for 2 hours and I'm just giving up now. It'll be what it'll be.)


	6. Dreading and Hoping All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Avengers take on General Ross! Bruce and Tony have a discussion about monsters. 
> 
> Title taken from "Death" by W.B. Yeats

Hacking the DoD isn’t fun. There is video. Watching Bruce cling to humanity, so afraid of hurting someone that he allows Ross to use him like a lab rat, is the opposite of fun. Watching Bruce finally snap is even worse. Tony gathers it all and sends it to Pepper with a note.

_Don’t watch it. Just make sure you destroy him._

Then he did a little extra poking around until he found the location of where Ross was holding his latest victims. “Jarvis, get director Fury on the line.”

“What do you want, Stark?” Fury snapped when he answered.

Tony closed his eyes and rolled his chair back from his desk. He had never _once_ asked Fury for help, and yet Fury insisted on treating him like this every time he called. “Oh, I just found the lab where Ross is keeping his latest lab rats, and though you might find it more useful than whatever crap SHIELD’s calling 'intelligence' these days.” Anger made his words sharper than he had intended.

“There is no rescue operation.” Fury said flatly.

“What?” Tony jerked upright in his chair, opening his eyes.

“In case you haven’t noticed, SHIELD isn’t exactly in anyone’s good graces right now. Mounting an operation against the US military wouldn’t help things.”

“So you’re just going to leave them there to be tortured?” Tony asked incredulously.

“General Ross isn’t Hydra, Mr. Stark. His methods can be harsh, but they’re hardly torture.”

“Tell that to Bruce!” Tony snarled. “Or are you too much of a coward to do that either?”

“If you are concerned about the welfare of anyone _rescued_ today, you can go through the proper channels with the military. Any attempt to forcibly remove them from their current premises will be viewed as treason.” Fury growled. “Now, I’ve got some _real_ work to get back to.”

“Fuck!” Tony kicked his chair away.

_“Sir, I have Mrs. Potts is on the line.”_

“Put her through.”

“Tony?”

“Fury’s just going to leave them there!” He said without preamble. “He’s too scared of getting his wrist slapped to do anything, the coward!” He kicked his chair again. “Can you believe it? Nick Fury scared of a bunch of bureaucrats?”

“I don’t know.” Pepper sounded tired. “He’s walking a very fine line Tony. They could shut him down at any moment and then where would we be?”

“Fuck them.” Tony muttered without conviction. He hated following orders, but without support from SHIELD, the avengers were just a bunch of vigilantes.

“I’ve got the file together. I’m going to send it Ken at the New York Times.” Pepper continued.

“Are you sure? I’ve got a guy who can do this all anonymously.”

“I’m sure.” Pepper’s voice was hard. “I will be sending Ken a note saying that, as a personal friend of Dr. Banner’s, I am saddened that the government is sanctioning such atrocities.”

Tony laughed. “Of course you are. Those poor suckers won’t know what hit them.”

“Good.” Pepper snapped. “Because that’s the only way we’re going to take them down. You know you can’t go after him, Tony.”

Tony sighed and leaned his head against his hand, choosing not to respond.

“You go in there guns blazing and Ross becomes the victim. The public’s already unsure whether they can trust us - they will see it is an unprovoked attack against a national hero. You’ll go to jail, probably branded as Hydra. We can’t afford to lose you right now, not with Hydra still out there. We’ve got to do everything by the book if we want to get him.”

“I know.” Tony sighed. “I know. But we can’t just leave them Pepper!”

“For all you know Fury was just using you as a cover and he’s setting up a black-ops team right now.”

Tony shook his head. “I don’t think so Pep.”

“Well, give it 24 hours. I’ll talk to Ken, I’ll ask Natasha to keep an ear to the ground at SHIELD. If Ross still has them at this time tomorrow we can come up with another plan.”

“Ok.” Tony agreed reluctantly. “24 hours.”

“Thank you.” Pepper said softly. “I have to go, but I’ll talk to you tonight?”

“Ok. I should check on Bruce, see how he’s doing. Go kick some ass.” Tony waved at Jarvis to disconnect the call and headed towards the elevator.

******************************************************************************************************  


  


Bruce was up and staring morosely at the television screen in his living room when Tony walked in.

“So, you’ve gotta admit I’m a bit of a genius, right?” On screen, the Hulk was smashing a human-sized replica of the statue of liberty with obvious glee.

“What?” Bruce whipped his head around to look at Tony in surprise. “I didn’t hear you come in. I was just…”

“Watching the security feeds to reinforce what a terrible person you are?” Tony raised an eyebrow.

“I could have hurt someone…”

“Sure. So could I when I put on my suit. That’s kind of the point. Hell, Natasha could kick my ass with her pinky finger.” Tony cocked his head. “Question is, _would_ you hurt someone?” Bruce opened his mouth, but Tony spoke before he could get a word in. “Unless you’ve decided lady liberty is a person, I think the answer is a pretty clear no.”

Bruce looked away. “I should have been able to control it.”

“The guy who literally tortured and kidnapped you is being hailed as a national hero. I’d want to punch something too.”

“I should have at least had the control to hold him back until I was out of the lab.” Bruce muttered.

“Eh.” Tony shrugged. “That’s why I made your floor Hulk-proof. Or,” he corrected, “at least Hulk-resistant.” 

Bruce didn’t even crack a smile at the joke. “You shouldn’t have had to. I put everyone around me at risk every time I transform.” He scuffed his feet morosely. “You keep talking about me like I’m a good person, but I’m not. Good people don’t need containment protocols.”

“Yeah, you’re _such_ a terrible person.” Tony snorted. “All this time you spend down here making yourself miserable with guilt is a dead-giveaway. Hell, I spent most of life as an alcoholic asshole who manufactured weapons of mass destruction, without sparing a second thought for all the people I was hurting. And yet somehow, you don’t seem to think _I’m_ a monster.” Shame gave his words a harsh edge. Watching Bruce’s struggles had always served to remind Tony of all his own shortcomings. 

Bruce jerked around to look at him. “I didn’t mean it like that. You didn’t know what was being done with your weapons!”

“Maybe not.” Tony shrugged. “But we both know you would never have made those weapons in the first place.” He held up a conciliatory hand when Bruce opened his mouth to protest. “It’s ok. It’s good for me. Keeps all this ‘superhero’ stuff from going to my head.”

Bruce shook his head. “You built Jarvis when you were 15, right? And some of your other patents are even earlier than that. You are a _genius_ Tony. You could have done anything! And you built an AI with a kinder soul than most humans! Do you know what I would have done if the Other Guy had existed when I was a kid? Forget about breaking Harlem- I would have broken the entire state!” He took a deep breath. “Coming here, joining the Avengers, it was a mistake. I’m a monster, not a hero.”

“So that's it?” Tony asked bitterly. “You’re just going to run away?” He threw his hands up. “You know what Bruce, enough with this _bullshit_! You know I’m an asshole! Up until now, you’ve always been the one person I could trust to tell me the truth about it! So man up! This isn’t about me being a better person. This about _you_ being scared. Scared of having people who care about you. Scared one day we’ll give up and let you down- or worse, that _you’ll_ let _us_ down. Well, too late buddy! I’m not going _anywhere!_ The only way you can let me down is if you walk out on me.” Tony gave Bruce a frustrated glare when he didn’t respond. “So there’s a part of you that’s a monster? I’m Howard Stark’s son! It’s a wonder I’m anything _but_ monster!”

“So what?” Bruce said bitterly. “Us monsters should stick together?”

“I just got lucky with Jarvis; both of them. I won’t always be lucky. I used to think that at least I could always count on you. That when I screw up and everything blows up in my face, I’ll have someone there with me who gets it. Someone who knows what it is like to destroy the things you love by trying to protect them. Someone who would know that it doesn’t make you evil, it just makes you…human.” Tony sighed heavily. “I guess I was wrong- about both of us.” He gave Bruce a sad look and turned to walk back to the elevator. “There’s only one monster in this room Bruce, and it isn’t you. You’re just a coward.”

“Do you really believe that about me? Not that I’m a coward- but… the other stuff?” Bruce asked quietly behind him.

“Yeah Bruce, I do.” Tony said tiredly. “The world did it’s best to turn us both into monsters. You were the first person who gave me hope that maybe I didn’t have to be remembered as one.”

Tony had given up and turned back to the elevator when Bruce finally spoke. “I’ll stay.” At first it was so quiet Tony hardly heard him. Bruce offered an awkward smile. “I don’t know if I can ever see myself as a good person, but I won’t run away.”

Tony let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you.” 

Bruce offered a wry smile. “Wait until after you see the bill to repair my lab before you thank me.”

Tony laughed. “I’ve done worse.” He held out a hand. “Now, if we’re done with the care-bear shit, there’s a project I need your help with.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is half written already. Hoping to get it up tonight or tomorrow. Sorry for the long wait. We're getting close to the end. There will be around 3 more chapters plus an epilogue.


	7. You that would judge me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fury is an asshole but Clint is a good friend. 
> 
> Title from _The Municipal Gallery Revisited_ by Yeats.

Fury was furious. The call to SHIELD came in at 6AM the next morning, complete with threats of what would happen if it was ignored. 

“Did anyone bother to _tell_ Fury he doesn’t get to give the orders anymore?” Tony asked grumpily as he wandered into the common area. 

“No point.” Clint mumbled around a mouthful of toast. “He wouldn’t listen anyway.”

“I think maybe I should sit this one out.” Bruce said quietly.

Natasha shot him a sharp look. “Fury can be an asshole but he isn’t going to turn you over to Ross.”

Bruce shook his head. “It’s not that. It’s just...I’m not very good at getting yelled out.” He admitted sheepishly. 

“Can’t you just tune out?” Tony asked absently, scrolling through his emails on his phone. “ It’s what I do, _did_ , with Howard. You just change the channel. Go on autopilot. Whatever you want to call it, if no one’s home,” he tapped his head, “they can’t hurt you.” 

The sudden silence pulled him away from his phone, and he looked up to find everyone staring at him. 

“Tony-” Bruce started.

“Isn’t thinking straight because he hasn’t had his coffee yet.” Clint slid off the counter where he’d been sitting. “You’re right Bruce. It’s probably better if you stay here.” 

“But-” Bruce tried again, still staring at Tony.

Clint shook his head at him. “Not now, Bruce.” He poured cup of coffee and handed it to Tony. 

Tony took it with a grunt of thanks and took a huge gulp. “Ah, that’s better.” He was aware Clint and Bruce were having some sort of half-silent conversation, but he was too tired to worry about it. “Look Bruce, I’m sorry if that came across the wrong way. All I was trying to say is don’t let Fury get under your skin. He’s not worth it.”

Bruce offered him a tight smile. “I know, Tony.”

“Ok!” Cling clapped his hands together. “Let’s get this over with! Time to head out.”

With a groan, Tony levered himself out of his chair. “I hope SHIELD has coffee.”

*****************************************************************************************************************************

 

There was no coffee. There was just a cold conference room and a very angry director. 

“Are you tired, Stark?” Fury growled as Tony slumped into a chair.

Tony glared at him with one eye. “It’s 6AM. What do you think?”

“I think that _you_ weren’t the one woken up at 2AM by an irate General, demanding to know how the press had got ahold of classified military records!” Fury bellowed. “I think you didn’t spend the entire night trying to convince the military that a group of superheroes hadn’t gone rogue and started attacking US bases! What the hell were you thinking.”

“About what, sir?” Clint asked. 

“Oh, don’t give me that bullshit!” Fury snarled. “You’re supposed to be the ones America can still trust. The best of the best!” He turned to Natasha. “I at least expected better from you, Romanoff!”

Natasha just raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, don’t give me that look. If it were up to you, there wouldn’t be a team! Hell, you wanted me to put _Captain America_ on probation!”

Natasha shrugged. “I warned you. You decided it was worth the risk. This is the result.”

“ENOUGH!” Fury bellowed. “Enough with the excuses. You think you’re so smart?” He turned to Tony. “You think you’re so smart, using Pepper and your little journalist? You were reckless and you were stupid!” He slammed his hand down on the desk in front of Tony. Tony froze, trying not to flinch away. “I expected better from you Stark. Your old man was a pain in the ass but he thought things through.” Fury leaned in until his face was inches from Tony’s. “You could have got them both killed, Stark. You think of that?”

Tony kept his face perfectly blank. Fury was _way_ too close to comfort. On a different day, he might have shoved him away or snarled back. Today, with the memories of Howard so close, it was all he could do to stay in his chair. _0,1,1,2,3,5,8…_ He started running through the Fibonacci sequence in his head, trying to stay calm. 

“Enough.” Clint said softly. “We aren’t SHIELD anymore. You don’t give the orders.”

“Nothing traced back to SHIELD or to us.” Natasha added. “Like I told you at the beginning; we _are_ the best at what we do.”

Fury stepped away from Tony, shaking his head. “This comes back to you, I can’t help you.” 

“We aren’t asking you to.” Clint said, standing up. “C’mon Tony.” He put a hand on Tony’s shoulder. Let’s get out of here.”

Tony let himself be lead out of the room and onto the elevator. _4181, 6765…_

“Tony.” 

Tony realized Clint was talking to him. “Hmm?” 

“What color is the carpet, Tony?”

“What?” The question jarred him back to reality, and he looked down at his feet. “Red. Clint, what…?”

Clint shrugged. “Now that we don’t have SHIELD to watch our back, we have to be more careful. You need to be observant.”

“So you’re asking me about the _carpet_?” Tony gaped. “What next? The sky?”

Clint shrugged again. “You were zoning out. I could ask you the eye color of the agent we passed in the hall-”

“Blue.” Natasha interjected.

“But there wouldn’t be much point. You didn’t even see her, let alone her eyes.”

“Oh.” Tony rubbed at his neck uncomfortably. “Yeah...I was…”

“On autopilot.” Clint sighed. “I know.” 

*****************************************************************

The whole way back to the tower, Clint kept interrupting Tony to ask him the colors of things, usually just when Tony was starting to drift away again. By the time they got back, a suspicion was forming in the back of Tony’s mind. “I know what you’re doing.” He muttered to Clint in the elevator after Natasha had got off. 

Clint gave him a long look. “It _is_ a well known technique for preventing dissociation.”

“I _knew_ it!” Tony grumbled. The one time he’d tried to go to a shrink they’d tossed that word around as well. 

“It is _also_ important to be aware of your surroundings, Tony. Zoning out like that could get you killed.” Clint added. 

“And I suppose you just happened to stop that meeting right when I was….’dissociating’?” Tony asked, the word tasting slimy on his tongue.

Clint gave him a tired look. “I thought you were supposed to be accepting help from your friends?”

“Pepper talked to you too?” Tony asked, feeling slightly betrayed. 

Clint gave him a look. “No. _I_ talked to _her_.” The elevator doors opened and he stepped out. “You’re not alone anymore, Tony.” 

_Well, shit._ Wasn’t that a terrifying thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah hah! I got it done!
> 
> Next chapter will probably include both Steve and Natasha. Poor Steve...he's goes away for a month and look what trouble his team gets into! 
> 
> Also, this is now mostly Winter Soldier and Age of Ultron complaint. There won't be any Age of Ultron spoilers until the last chapter, but when Steve shows up there will be many spoilers from the Winter Soldier.


	8. Turned Hatred into Sport

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team waits to see the results of the news article on General Ross.
> 
> Natasha gives Tony a little more context for his initial exclusion from the Avengers Initiative
> 
> Title from _Remorse For Intemperate Speech_ \- W.B. Yeats

Tony was too jumpy to sleep after the meeting with Fury, so he pulled up his latest project on his tablet. There were still some bugs he couldn’t seem to figure out. Unfortunately, he proved to be far too twitchy for writing code as well. After the fifth time in two minutes that he lost his place in the code, he threw his tablet away in frustration. _Stupid, stupid, stupid. Can’t even get a fricken piece of code right!_

“Sometimes I’m amazed you didn’t turn out to be a serial killer J.” He muttered, scrubbing tiredly at his eyes.

_“I am sorry sir. Have my actions been of concern lately?”_

Tony winced at the affront in Jarvis’s voice. “Never mind buddy. Just amazed I didn’t manage to fuck you up too.” He got off the couch and headed toward the elevator. Maybe he could get some food without running into anyone. “Where is everyone?”

_“Colonel Rhodes, Mr. Barton, Miss Romanoff and Dr. Banner are gathered in the common area awaiting the press conference.”_

“Shit!” The military was holding a press conference to respond to the New York Times article. 

_“The press conference is not scheduled to start for another ten minutes, sir. I believe your team would appreciate your presence.”_

“Damn it, Jarvis.” Tony muttered. “Not you too.” He started to turn away, but before he could, the elevator doors opened on Rhodey. 

“Hey!” He said, smiling at Tony. “I was worried I might have to drag you out by the ear.”

“No.” Tony scrubbed at his neck. “I was just, uh, going to get some food...”

“So I _am_ going to have to drag you by the ear.” Rhodey ribbed. “Come on man!” He gave Tony a playful shove. “This is your moment!” 

“Yeah. Right.” He forced a smile. “Let’s go watch Ross get his ass handed to him.”

 

The mood in the common room was surprisingly somber. Bruce was standing at the edge of the room, nervously chewing on a fingernail. Natasha was standing behind the couch in a perfect parade rest. Clint was the only one sitting. He had one leg slung casually over the arm of the couch, but his tapping fingers gave his nervousness away. 

Tony walked over and put a hand on Bruce’s shoulder. “Don’t worry Brucie. We’ve got your back.”

“This is just a formality, anyway.” Clint added. “Now that the truth’s out, grabbing you would be a public relations nightmare.” 

Bruce let out a snort. “Well that certainly makes me feel better.”

“Hey, half my job is PR these days.” Rhodey said. “It’s my retirement plan, man.”

Tony couldn’t help but notice that Natasha had said nothing. 

“Here we go.” Clint said, turning up the volume on TV. “Everyone shush.”

Tony flopped down on the couch. The New York times article had been a slam dunk, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was about to go very wrong. 

A friendly news anchor smiled out of the screen. _”Good afternoon. We have the Secretary of Defense here to address the damning report by the New York Times on human experimentation in the military. Good afternoon Secretary.”_

The secretary, a balding man in a dark suit, appeared on the screen. _“Good afternoon Joan. First, let me say we object to the term ‘human experimentation.’ From the videos, I think it is clear that what General Ross was dealing with was far from human.”_

Tony felt like all the air was being sucked from the room. 

“I...I’ve gotta go.” Bruce muttered, bolting for the elevator. 

_Shit._ Tony knew he should follow Bruce, but he was frozen in place. 

“I’ve got it.” Natasha snapped, whirling to follow him. 

_”It’s true General Ross’s actions were perhaps a little extreme, but given what an extreme entity we are dealing with in The Hulk, I think we can all understand why he felt the need for caution.”_ The secretary was continuing 

_“But isn't it concerning that General Ross has been accused of similar actions with the recent Hydra victims?”_ The anchor asked. 

_“Well, once again, I would point out that the..._ beings _rescued from Hydra can no longer be classified as simply human.”_

_“Due to experiments performed on them against their will.”_ The anchor interjected quickly. 

_“Certainly, certainly. But if the events of New Mexico and New York have taught us anything, it is that we can no longer ignore those among us who may be more than human.”_

_“So there will be no repercussions than? Surely you can understand the concerns of citizens who are afraid that their friends and family may be dragged off the street by their own government?”_

_“We are certainly taking those concerns seriously. We will be performing a full review of all General Ross’s actions and taking steps to ensure that innocent civilians are not at risk.”_

“Jesus Christ.” Tony stood up shakily. “The videos...it’s all my fault…”

“Tony.” Clint flipped around to face Tony. 

“No.” Tony shook his head. “No, I told him...I told him I’d fuck up.” He backed away, hands shaking. “I should have known.” Howard’s laughter was sharp and biting in the back of his mind. “Fuck.” He couldn’t breathe. 

“Tony! What color is the carpet, Tony?” Clint’s voice broke through his panic. 

“Clint?”

“Yeah buddy. Tell me what color the carpet is, Tony.”

Tony forced his eyes to focus. “G..grey.”

“Good. And my shirt?"

Tony lifted his head slightly. "Purple." He sucked in a few deeper breaths. 

"There you go. Are you back with us?”

Tony took in a few more deep breaths. He realized he was sitting on the ground, back pressed against the wall. “Shit. Yeah.” He wiped a hand across his face. “Sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with me right now.”

“Fuck that.” Rhodey said roughly from Tony’s other side. “We shouldn’t have brought _you_ into this. Not with all the other shit you’re dealing with right now.”

“At least then I couldn’t have fucked it up.” Tony muttered. 

“Hey, it’s okay.” Clint put a hand on his shoulder. “We’ve got his back. He’s safe.”

Tony shook his head. “No, he’s not. Not yet.” He shoved himself roughly to his feet. “I’ve gotta go. Tell Brucie I’m sorry.” He stumbled into the elevator. “Jarvis, workshop.”

“Tony-” Rhodey put a hand out to stop the elevator door. 

“I have to do _something_ , Rhodey.” Tony pleaded. “Just let me go, okay? I promise I won’t stay down there forever.”

Rhodey sighed but pulled his hand back to let the doors close. 

Tony leaned his head against the cool metal of the elevator door after it closed. They were so vulnerable, all of them. The events with Hydra had proven that. He needed something that could protect them. Something better that was better at it than he was.  
**************************************************************************************

He’d been buried in his code for hours when a file slapped onto the desk beside him. He jerked his head around to see Natasha standing beside him. “How did you get in?”

“Bruce is okay.” She said, ignoring his question. “I think he saw this coming. I left him meditating in his room.”

“You saw this was coming too.” Tony said quietly. 

“I had my suspicions.” Natasha said evenly, sliding onto a stool beside him. “The military has been heading down this path for a while. We just pushed them into making their views public. That gives the public a chance to think about this when they aren’t panicking. Hopefully they’ll come to the right conclusions.”

“So what’s this?” Tony poked at the file. 

“My recommendations, or lack there of, for the Avengers Initiative. What Fury said today...you weren’t the only one I didn’t recommend. I thought you should know.” She tapped the file. “It’s all in there.” 

“Oh yeah?” Tony reached tentatively for the document. “Who _did_ you recommend?”

“Clint.” Natasha shrugged. “Captain America, provided he passed his probationary period.” 

“Probationary period?”

“Cap’s a good soldier, but he has a tendency towards insubordination. My recommendation was to put him on probation and see if he’d toe the line.”

‘What about Thor?”

“Thor was an alien of unknown abilities. My recommendation was to monitor him and gather intelligence under the guise of bringing him in to consult with SHIELD as a solitary asset. Agents are much less willing to neutralize someone who has been integrated into their team.”

“ _Jesus_. So the whole point of having consultants is to make it easier for you to kill us?”

“That was the intent in Thor’s case. In your case the intent was to keep SHIELD at arms length from your more...infamous decisions, and to keep your armor out of the hands of the negative influences that had infiltrated SHIELD. I think you’ll find that in context, my assessment of you sounds much positive.” Natasha offered Tony a small smile. “Don’t sell yourself short, Tony. None of us are perfect. We just do the best we can." She slid off the stool. "Don't tell Fury, but that file, those recommendations, they’re probably the biggest mistake I’ve made since joining SHIELD. We make one _hell_ of a team. We’re just not a very good weapon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had trouble writing this, and then I realized it was because I was being too nice. So I got meaner, and the whole thing just wrote itself. 
> 
> Next chapter will be with Cap! We're getting close to the end now!


	9. For He Gave All His Heart and Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve makes a surprise visit back to the Avengers tower. He tries to help, but it doesn't go over well.
> 
> Title from "Never Give All the Heart" by W.B. Yeats

Tony doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting in his lab staring at the file when there is a knock at the door.  


_”Sir, Captain Rogers is requesting entrance.”_

Tony looked up. “What?” Steve wasn’t supposed to be here. He turned to look, and sure enough, he could see Steve at the door. “Let him in Jarvis.”

Steve offered a tired smile as he walked in.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in Slovakia or something?” Tony asked.

Steve’s smile turned sad. “No. Not after the news.” He shook his head. “I should have been here earlier.”

Tony let out a bitter laugh. “Maybe you could have stopped us from turning it into such a shit show.” He looked away. “I’m sorry Cap. I fucked this one up.” _Again._

Steve sighed and slumped onto a stool next to Tony. “This one’s not on you, Tony.”

Tony knew better, but he didn’t feel like arguing about it. “But seriously Cap, what are you doing here?”

“I’m here because I’m the captain of this team and I need to start acting like it. I can’t just shirk my duties to run off to Slovakia.” Steve’s jaw was set in a hard line.

“Screw that.” When Steve looked at him in surprise Tony raised an eyebrow at him. “What? You didn’t honestly expect _me_ to lecture you on responsibility. The hypocrisy might just kill me.” He twisted around until he was fully facing Steve. “You’ve got a chance, probably only _one_ chance to save him. We can survive without you for a while, but _he_ … he might not be able to.”

Steve closed his eyes. “I know. But-"

“No buts.” Tony said firmly. “He’s family.”

Steve paused, then offered Tony a small smile. “Yeah. He is.” He gnawed his lip worriedly. “I’m worried I’m going to lose him again, Tony. He knows we’re looking for him. I _know_ he does. But he keeps running.”

Tony winced. “Look Steve. When they woke you up, the first thing they did was give you a mission. Tell you America needed you, right?”

“Yeah…” Steve said slowly. “But that’s because I had no one waiting for me.”

“You had Peggy.” Tony pointed out. “But people aren’t enough, Steve. Not with something as big as what happened to Bucky. Sure, there’s the chance that you’ll be able to bring him back. That he’ll _come_ back just because you’re waiting for him. But that won’t be saving him. He’ll be living _for_ you. And believe me, that’s not what you want for him.” He clenched his fist below the table. “Living just because you know your death will disappoint someone, it’s _surviving_ , but it’s not living.”

“But I _love_ him!” Steve’s voice was anguished. “Why isn’t that enough?”

Tony looked away. “It might be, for a while. But it can’t last forever. Something will happen. You’ll leave-” he shook his head at Steve’s glare, “don’t give me that look, you can’t see the future - or you’ll die. Either way, one day you’ll be gone. When Jarvis died…” The memory hit him like a punch to the gut, and for a second he couldn’t breathe. He closed his eyes and shook himself slightly. “Let’s just say there’s a reason I come down here when I’m upset. It’s the same reason you’ll find Clint in the range right now. So if Bucky comes back, what does he have?” He gave Steve a look. “It seems to me the world could use another super soldier right now. But does _he_ know that?”

“You’d really want him on the team?” Steve looked shocked. “The Winter Soldier?”

“The Winter Soldier? No. But Bucky Barnes? Yeah, I think we could do that. It would be déjà vu. ‘Bucky Barnes: yes. Winter Soldier: not recommended.’ Besides,” Tony smiled, “we’ve already got one Russian ex-assassin. Might as well collect the full set.”

Steve didn’t laugh. “You know that’s not true anymore, right? You’re part of this team. Hell, half the team just came to talk to me because they were worried about you!”

“What?” Tony jerked bolt upright. _Shit, shit, shit, shit!_ That was _not_ what he wanted to hear.

“Oh. Yeah.” Steve blushed and put a hand to the back of his neck. “That’s why I came down here to talk to you, actually. The team’s worried about you, Tony. From what they tell me, _I’m_ worried about you.”

“You don’t have to worry about it.” Tony snapped. “It hasn’t affected me in the field and it won’t. Trust me; I’m an expert at compartmentalization.”

“That’s not what I meant. I’m not worried about you screwing up an op. I’m worried about whether what you’re doing is hurting _you_.” Steve pulled a hand through his hair. “Some of the stuff Clint told me...”

“Like what?” Tony snapped. “Please tell me what the _fuck_ Clint told you, because as far as I know, it’s none of your fucking business!”

“Of course it is! I’m the captain of this team, Tony! That makes me responsible for you! What if you disassociated in the middle of combat?”

Tony felt his stomach drop. “Oh, there it is.” He sneered.

“You could be hurt! What if you were in the air? Believe it or not, but we actually care about you Tony! I’m not sending you out to be killed!” Steve snapped, standing up. “I’m putting you on leave. Colonel Rhodes has already volunteered to fill in for you.”

Tony tried to ignore the urge to flinch away from Steve. “You’re _benching_ me?”

“No.” Steve said firmly. “You’ll still be called in for anything big. It’s just the little stuff. The kind of thing you always complain about being a waste of time.”

 _Fuck!_ He couldn’t take it anymore and scrambled off his stool, trying to surreptitiously put it between himself and Steve. “You don’t have to sugarcoat it for me, big boy. You don’t want me on the team, fine. But don’t feed me the ‘You’re part of this team’ bullshit right before you throw me out with the rest of the trash!”

“God- _dammit_ Tony!” Steve slammed his hand onto the lab bench. “I’m trying to help!” 

Tony’s flinch was instinctive. Both he and Steve froze for a moment before Steve stepped back, face draining of color. “Damn it.” He said again, softly. “I’m sorry Tony.”

Tony shook his head, unable to meet Steve’s eyes. He could feel heat rushing to his face. He was such a fucking coward. “It’s fine.” He tried to slow his breathing and reign in the feeling of dread that had settled into his stomach.

“No, it’s not.” Steve said gently. “The point of a team is that you don’t have to do it alone anymore, Tony. So let us help you. I _know_ you could fight right now. I know you could pull on your mask and go out there like nothing was wrong. From what I’ve heard, you’ve probably been doing that every day. But you shouldn’t have to.”

“So I guess when Hydra came back and everyone at SHIELD betrayed you, you just sat that one out?” Tony wanted Steve to be angry, not gentle. He didn’t _deserve_ gentle. Not after what he’d done to Bruce.

“You’re right. We’ve all done it, when we had to. And if aliens invade or some other secret organization surfaces, I’ll expect you to suit up with the rest of us.” Steve’s voice was infuriatingly calm.

“Jesus Christ, Rogers!” Tony pulled at his hair. “You’d let me throw punches all day, wouldn’t you?” He shook his head. “I know you’re angry! Stop fucking pretending you aren’t!”

“I’m not angry.” Steve said quietly. “You were trying to help, Tony. What happened this morning wasn’t your fault. I’m not trying to punish you. I’m trying to help you.”

Tony clutched harder at his hair. Memories from this morning’s interview floated to the surface. _“ Far from human,” “Extreme entity.” _He could feel himself starting to shiver. “I can’t deal with this shit. Not after everything else.”__

__“You’re right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have sprung this on you right now.” Steve backed away carefully. “Just…come upstairs? Bruce is cooking dinner and you skipped lunch.” He gave Tony a beseeching look. “Bruce is worried about you.”_ _

_Dammit._ That was a low blow. _No one_ should be worrying about _him_. “Yeah, ok.” He agreed heavily. “But don’t think this means this is over.” 

__“Ok.” Steve said evenly. “We can talk about it tomorrow.”_ _

__“Tomorrow.” Tony agreed, shuffling towards the elevator. He was so damn _tired_._ _

__When the doors opened he pulled himself together; standing up straight, running a hand through his hair. He wanted to make a snarky remark, act like everything was fine, but when he saw Bruce standing at the stove, eyes tired and sad, the words died on his lips. He would have cut and run if Steve hadn’t been standing behind him, blocking his exit._ _

__“Smells wonderful Bruce. Been a while since I’ve had a home cooked meal.” Steve slipped past Tony to walk into the kitchen._ _

__Bruce lifted his head and froze. “Tony.”_ _

__“Bruce.” Tony looked away. “I’m sorry. I-“ He stopped, paralyzed, as arms wrapped around him in a hug._ _

__“Thank you.” Bruce’s voice was thick and his arms tightened momentarily around Tony. “Thank you for fighting for me.”_ _

_Oh._ Tony reached up to awkwardly pat Bruce’s back. 

__Bruce pulled back and gave Tony a sheepish smile. “Sorry. I wasn’t trying to make you uncomfortable. I just…” He shoved his hands in his pocket and shrugged. “It meant a lot to me.”_ _

__“But-“_ _

__“General Ross is an asshole and he’s always going to be an asshole. He was never going to see me as human. But now it’s not a secret. I don’t have to worry about disappearing in the middle of the night. Whatever he does- it’s gotta be by the books and in the open. Doesn’t mean I won’t end up in a cage-”_ _

__“You won’t.” Steve interjected. “We will _never_ let you end up in a cage, Bruce.” Everyone in the room murmured in agreement._ _

__“We might not make weapons anymore, but everything else comes from us. Their communications, their computers, their software is all SI.” Pepper added. “We’ve already informed them that any SI tech found in General Ross’s lab will no longer be available to them in _any_ capacity.”_ _

__“We should have done something a long time ago.” Steve continued. “We shouldn’t have left you to deal with this on your own. You’re part of a team now. That means we’ve got your back, even if we haven’t been doing a good job of showing it.” He gave Tony a significant look. “ _No one_ on this team should have to stand on their own.”_ _

__Pepper wrapped her arms around Tony from behind and rested her head on his shoulder. Tony reached up to squeeze her hand. He was aware of the rest of the team’s eyes on him, so he kept his fixed on the ground._ _

__“So...” Clint jumped off the counter he’d been sitting on and clapped his hands. “Good talk, let’s eat?”_ _

__Tony shot him a grateful look. “Hell yes. I’m starving!”_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this took me forever to get down. I've been busy, I've had computer issues and then I had some personal stuff to deal with. That being said, you're now going to get two chapters for the price of one! (unless my computer conks out, but even then it should be up tomorrow) We're getting really close to the end now. I estimate two or three more chapters, depending on how long Thor gets. 
> 
> Again apologies for the totally shirt chapter summaries. I have no idea what to say. 
> 
> Thank you for everyone who is giving me comments and kudos! It's definitely providing encouragement when it gets tough to finish these!


	10. Dream Not of Them, my Beloved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team Dinner! (Minus Thor plus Pepper, Rhodey and Sam)
> 
> Title from "The White Birds" by W.B. Yeats

Dinner is good and surprisingly easy. Steve brought Sam Wilson, who entertains them all with a series of stories about all the stupid shit Steve’s done while looking for Bucky. Tony is laughing along with them, finally managing to relax a bit, when he goes to the kitchen and sees Pepper’s tablet. It’s open to an article on today’s press conference. He finds himself frozen, starting at the text without comprehending its context. A loud burst of laughter from the other room jerks him into motion again, but it’s too late. He can already feel his chest constricting with panic.

“Eyes bigger than your stomach after all?” Pepper nudges him as he slides back in beside her.

Tony stares at her for a moment before remembering that he’d gone back to the kitchen to get a second helping. “Guess so.” He offers a brittle smile and quickly turns away before Pepper can see it crumble. He stares at Bruce, remembering the desperate look in his eyes from the videos, the way he’d seemed to shrink smaller and smaller in each one.

“Hey Tony, what color are Pepper’s shoes?”

“What?” Tony jerks around to stare at Clint.

“Her shoes. What color?” Clint’s voice is easy and relaxed, but his eyes are serious.

“Uhhh.” Tony feels like he’s trying to drag his thoughts through sludge.

“Ok, let’s start with an easy one. What color’s her dress?”

“Blue.” It’s a ridiculous question, with Pepper sitting right there beside him, but it seems to kick Tony’s brain into gear a little more.

“And the shoes?”

Tony realizes what Clint’s doing. He debates trying to actually remember, pretend he’s really playing this fake game of theirs, but he’s tired and his head hurts. _Screw it, they already know I’m fucked up._ He ducks his head under the table. “Black.”

“And mine? No looking!” Clint adds as Tony makes to stick his head under the table.

“Purple.” He hadn’t actually bothered to look at them, but it’s the obvious guess now that his mind is working again. The sludge is gone, and the pressure in his chest is starting to ease.

Sam’s glancing back and forth between them, looking like he’s about to say something, when Pepper speaks up. “Purple hi-tops, because you’re just a teenage boy in an adult’s body. Natasha’s got on the red stilettos she wears when she wants to kill someone but isn’t allowed to. Bruce has got those god-awful sneakers with holes in the toe. They're what he wears when he’s thinking of running." She offers Bruce a warm smile. "I'm glad you decided to stay. Rhodey, on the other hand, has real dress shoes on, although he’s managed to bribe someone to make them steel-toed.” She shoot Rhodey a hard look. “He thinks you can’t tell, but it makes him look like he’s got clown feet. Steve and Sam both have their combat boots on still. Steve cleaned his up at least, because if he didn’t they’d still have blood on them like Sam’s do.” She gave a little shiver. “I’m trying not think about where it came from.” There was a stunned silence as everyone except Natasha stared at her. Natasha just smirked and took another sip of wine. “What?” Pepper said eventually. “I spend just as much time with people who want to kill me as you do. But instead of weapons they use business negotiations.”

Tony laughed. “My wife, the boardroom assassin.” The rest of the team laughs with him. Sam’s either been distracted or, more likely, realized Pepper was trying to distract him and is playing along with it. Tony doesn’t have the energy to care which it is. 

“Speaking of which, I think it’s time I said goodnight.” Pepper stands and holds a hand out to Tony. “Coming?”

It’s a bad idea. He isn’t exhausted enough to ensure he drops to straight to sleep before the dreams can hit, but Pepper is smiling and holding out her hand. He wants to believe that for tonight, it will be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a very short guy. It just seemed like it should be separated from the previous one.


	11. The Horses of Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor finally returns to the team. Things are looking good, but will it last? What will happen with Tony's project. 
> 
> WARNING: The spoilers for Age of Ultron get VERY strong in this chapter. Maybe not outright spoilers yet, but getting there. And next chapter will be just a giant spoiler-fest.
> 
> Title: _He Bids his Beloved Be at Peace_ Yeats

Steve is around a lot more after the incident with General Ross. He is still looking for Bucky, but he has delegated a lot of the work to Sam. It helps that they determined Bucky was hitting Hydra facilities. They use his work to find patterns and start hitting Hydra themselves. It’s not easy. Hydra has all of the weapons SHIELD considered too dangerous to be used, and unlike SHIELD, they’re happy to use them. Steve’s held true to his promise and called out Tony for the more dangerous missions, but today they’re not after Hydra. They’d got wind of a black market arms dealer who’d got his hands on some SHIELD tech. The team had gone in and Tony had been left behind on the coms. 

“This sucks!” Tony ripped out his earpiece and threw it on the ground.

Pepper looked up from her tablet and gave him a pointed look. “Sitting at home, hopeless, while people you care about put themselves in danger? I wouldn’t know.”

Tony slumped. “I’m an ass. I know Pep. How did you stand it?”

Pepper sighed and put her tablet down. “Mostly I just didn’t watch. There was nothing I could do, so there was no point in torturing myself.”

“Yeah.” Tony muttered, eyes drifting back to the screen. He winced as a missile slammed Rhodey backwards into a wall. His eyes were already cataloging the damage to the suit as Rhodey pushed himself up and threw himself back into the fight. The missile had been a bottom-of-the-line HammerTech piece that probably only bent a few panels, but it had hit close enough to the shoulder that it could have damaged the joint. Tony leaned in closer, trying to see more detail. 

_“Sir, I am sensing some unusual electrical activity above the tower. I believe it is consistent with the Bifrost Lord Thor uses to travel.”_

Tony jerked away from the screen. “Bifrost? Really?” Thor had been conspicuously absent since New York. Tony had heard there had been an incident involving Dr. Foster, but even after that had been resolved, Thor had kept his distance. 

_”Yes sir. In fact Lord Thor himself has just arrived on the roof.”_

“Let him in.” Tony waved a hand towards the roof, leaning back towards the screen.

 _Yes sir.”_ Tony could hear the disapproval in Jarvis’ voice. 

“Friend Tony,” Thor’s voice was much more subdued than normal when he entered the room a few minutes later, “I hope I am not intruding upon important matters?”

“Not according to Steve.” Tony muttered. 

“I beg pardon?” Thor asked cautiously. He sounded so hesitant that Tony gave in with a sigh and turned to face him. 

“Sorry. Steve’s grounded me on this one and I’m bitter. Not your fault.” He offered Thor a tired smile. 

“The Captain has kept you from battle?” Thor moved closer to Tony, frowning. “Are you unwell?”

“No,” Tony waved him away, “just crazy.” When Thor gave him a concerned look he relented slightly. “Long story. You don’t want to know.”

Thor’s face fell. “I would know, Man of Iron. I should not have been so absent. I have been a poor friend.” He looked at the screen behind Tony. “I should be fighting alongside them.”

“You and me both buddy.” Tony mutters, too quietly for Thor to hear. “So why aren’t you?” He asks louder.

Thor turns his head to level a sad look at Tony. “Would they have me?”

“Of course they would. You know they don’t blame you for Loki. The whole mess would have been even _more_ of a clusterfuck without you!”

Thor was silent for a few minutes. “How did you stand it?” He turned back to Tony. “When they were using your creations for murder and destruction? How does the guilt not destroy you?”

Tony sighed. “First, you didn’t create Loki. Whatever he did, that’s on him. As for the guilt…” he rubbed a hand across his face, “All you can do is try to help people. Try to protect as many as you can and hope that eventually, it cancels out the rest.”

“How can we protect the innocent against forces with no scruples?” Thor gestured at the screen. “No conscience? Forces who will use every weapon they find, regardless of the cost? How can we fight against that?”

“We can’t. Not right now. We’ve got to make ourselves better, stronger.” Tony offered Thor a sad smile. “We’re winning right now, but we won’t be forever. We’re too human. We make mistakes. I built the suit to protect myself. Hopefully, one day, I’ll build something that can protect everyone else. Until then, we just have to do the best we can.”

Thor shook his head. “I fear that will not be enough.” 

“Yeah. Me too.” This time Tony said it loud enough for Thor to hear.

********************************************************************************  
The team returned from the mission later that evening. They hadn’t needed the Hulk but Bruce came back pale and shaking anyway. 

“You shouldn’t be taking me into the field.” He was saying to Steve as they disembarked the quinjet. 

Steve clapped a hand on Bruce’s shoulder. “You need to have more faith in yourself Bruce. You’ve been there for us every time we’ve needed you.”

Bruce shook his head. “You can’t keep ignoring how dangerous I am. Every time you take me out we’re one step away from disaster!”

“Hey!” Rhodey held up a hand. “We won today! And last week, and in New York! Let’s not buy ourselves trouble we haven’t got yet.”

Bruce sighed, looking unconvinced. He lifted tired eyes to Tony. “How’s the project coming, Tony?”

“Not there yet.” Tony admitted. 

“What project? Aren’t you supposed to be on vacation?” Rhodey asked suspiciously.

“Why do you think the project isn’t done?” Tony snapped. Rhodey jerked back and he winced. “Sorry. Watching the op today put me on edge. I’m not used to being on the sidelines.”

Steve nodded sympathetically. “Well, you won’t have to worry about that for the next one. We’ve got a lead on a Hydra site in Sokovia. We’re going to need everyone for it.”

"Oh yeah?" Tony turned to look at him. "What's so special about this site?

The look Steve gave Thor told Tony everything he needed to know before Steve opened his mouth. "We think they have Loki's scepter." 

Thor bowed his head momentarily. When he lifted it, there was a look in his eyes that Tony had seen too many times. It was the look of a man preparing to go to war even as his heart was breaking. "You shall have my hammer." He said softly. 

_God damn it!_ Tony couldn't bear to watch yet another teammate crumble under the strain of what they were doing. This time, something would be different. It _had_ to be. He turned away from the sorrow on Thor's face to see Bruce staring at him with excitement in his eyes.

"Tony! The scepter! Do you think..." Bruce started hesitantly. 

The realization hit Tony like a ton of bricks. "Oh Bruce, you have a beautiful fucking mind, you know that?" Tony breathed. Bruce was right. The scepter might have the power to get them past the last hurdle on their project. "It might not work." He cautioned. "It would _definitely_ be dangerous." 

Bruce gave their teammates a significant glance. "I think it would be worth the risk." 

Tony turned back to the team, cataloging the weary slump of their shoulders, the dark circles below their eyes. "Yeah." He said softly. "I think it would be." Maybe, finally, he could create something that was worthy of them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry- I got tangled up in deciding how I wanted this to end, and it slowed me down. But I have a plan now. It will probably be 2 more chapters plus an epilogue, but no promises (sorry!). I think maybe I should edit the up-front description to say this is a story of a Tony's very slow and painful mental breakdown, because that's really what it's turning after. It's a science bros angst fest. I'm not sorry though :)
> 
> I can say I am very excited about the next chapter though. I have it partially written, and so far it is turning out better than I'd hoped. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone reading and leaving kudos or notes!


	12. For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team finally gets to meet Ultron. Will he be the suit of armor around the world that Tony wants him to be? 
> 
> Title from _The stolen child_ By W.B. Yeats
> 
> WARNING: GIGANTIC Age of Ultron Spoilers. You should be able to follow if you haven't seen the movie, but it will give away everything.

_Tony stands at the center of Baron Strucker’s stronghold in Sokovia . They’ve succeeded. Baron Strucker has been taken out and Jarvis has copied all of the data from his servers. Loki’s scepter is right in front of him. He reaches out, but as he does, something crunches beneath his feet. He looks down and recoils in horror at what he sees. Cap’s shield, broken in two, is under his feet. Steve lies beside it, hardly breathing._

_Steve’s eyes flicker open. “You could have saved us.”_

_“I tried!” Tony falls to his knees beside him. “I didn’t have time! The scepter…” He looks up to the scepter, but it is gone. Instead, his team lies scattered around him. “No- this isn’t-we saved you!” He rushes over to Clint, desperately shaking the archer’s shoulders. “You’re not dead! We saved you!”_

_“Why didn’t you do more?” Steve’s gasps behind him._

_“No!” He throws himself to his feet, looking around desperately. Thor, Natasha, even Bruce, they all lie dead around him. “No! Please!”_

Tony wakes with a start. “Jarvis?”

_“The team is all present and accounted for, sir.”_

Tony let out a sigh of relief and lay back down. Sokovia had been a success. They’d retrieved Loki’s scepter and shut down the Hydra base with no casualties. Clint was with Dr. Cho right now. But Tony couldn’t escape the fear that had gripped him in Baron Strucker’s lab. He sat up abruptly. “I’m going back to the lab. Have the data on the scepter ready for me when I get there.” They were _so_ close. He knew the scepter could give them the boost they needed, but now that it was here in front of him, he was afraid.

Bruce was in the lab when Tony arrived. At his double-take, Tony checked the clock. _6 AM_. “Couldn’t sleep.” He shrugged. “I wanted to take another look at the data from the scepter.”

“Having doubts?”

“No. Yes. I don’t know” Tony scrubbed at his face. “It’s _Loki’s scepter,_ Bruce.”

“We can look for another way.” Bruce offered. “Keep studying that Chitauri tech.”

Tony shook his head. “We don’t have that kind of time.”

Bruce frowned. “What do you mean? With Baron Strucker down, Hydra’s taken a huge hit. We’ve seen no signs that another attack is coming. Have you seen something we haven’t?”

 _“Why didn’t you do more?”_ Steve’s words still echoed in Tony’s head. He turned to face Bruce. “We’re sitting ducks out there, Bruce. Those enhanced could have killed Clint!” He picked up a gauntlet he had out waiting for repair and threw it against the wall. “It’s not enough!”

“Hey!” Bruce held his hands up. “It’s ok. We’ll figure something out. Just...talk me through it.”

“Ok.” Tony took a deep breath and tried to pull himself together. “Ok” He said again, a little calmer. “So this,” he pulled up a hologram “is Jarvis.” He pulled up another hologram, this one much larger and more complex. “This is what I found in the scepter.”

“Wow…” Bruce walked around it, eyes wide with awe. “This is...unbelievable, Tony!” He reached out to touch the complex structure. “It’s beautiful. Like a brain.”

“Exactly.” Tony said. “With this we could bypass all the glitches of going from code to intelligence. Create something that makes Jarvis looks like child’s play. Put ourselves out of business for good.”

“Ok. So what’s the downside?”

“We’ve never seen Loki’s scepter used for anything but harm. If we create an artificial intelligence of this magnitude and it is somehow corrupted by the scepter…we could put _everyone_ out of business.”

“You’re the one who is always telling me code is code.” Bruce pointed out. “That it is incapable of being either good or evil.”

Tony chewed on a fingernail. “Unless the programmer designs it to be.”

“Exactly.” Bruce nodded, pulling himself away from the hologram with obvious effort. “So you program it. You can even give it to Jarvis to double-check your work. You don’t actually have to _do_ anything with it yet.”

“True.” Tony relaxed slightly. “Jarvis won’t let anything nasty through.”

_”Absolutely not, sir._

Tony allowed himself a small smile. “If this works…” He shook his head in disbelief. “Peace in our time.”

Bruce smiled back. “So let’s get to it.”

When he leaves the lab, Tony feels like he can finally breath for the first time since Sokovia. “I’ve got you, Cap.” He murmured, staring at the twin masses of blue and gold glowing in the center of the lab. “I won’t let you down this time.”

“Hey Tony!” Clint interrupted his thoughts. “Get out here! We’re trying to see who can lift Thor’s hammer.”

“Oh God.” Bruce groaned. “There’s no way this can end well.”

Tony laughed and grabbed his gauntlet. “Come on Bruce! Live a little! Today might be the day we save the world!”

*************************************************************************************

As soon as the tangle of misshapen metal and wires limps out of the lab, Tony knows what it is. He’d done something wrong, let a part of the poison within him slip through his fingers and into the world.

“Worthy...how could you be worthy?” Ultron says, as if reading his mind. “You’re all killers.”

Tony jumps to his feet. “Jarvis, we have to shut this thing down. Do whatever you have to do, but keep it contained.” He could still fix this. He _had_ to fix this.

“Had to kill the other guy.” Ultron murmurs absently. 

“Jarvis!” Tony tries again, hearing the panic in his voice. There is still no answer, but Ultron is smiling.

*******************************************************************************

Tony is eight, sitting on the floor of his bedroom systematically destroying his latest project.

“Tony.” Jarvis’ voice is soft as he lowers himself onto the floor beside Tony. “What are you doing?”

“It wasn’t good enough.” Tony mutters fiercely.

“Did your father do that?” Jarvis gently turns Tony’s head towards him, fingers brushing over the bruise forming on his cheek.

“No.” _Yes._ Tony jerks his head away, tears burning in his eyes.

Jarvis is silent for a long moment. He reaches out and grabs Tony’s free hand in his. “You know I love you, Tony.”

Tony says nothing, just squeezes Jarvis’ hand until it hurts. Jarvis doesn’t let go.

*****************************************************************************

They’ve pulled the Iron Legion out from Ultron’s control, but Ultron has escaped. On the floor of the lab, Tony wonders if this is the end of the world. “Nuclear launch codes?”

“Safe.” Bruce says, peering at one of the lab computers. “Someone is re-coding them before he can hack in.”

“He said he killed someone.” Clint reminds them.

“But there’s no one else in the building.” Natasha says, getting slowly to her feet.

Maybe it’s just Tony’s world that is ending. 

**************************************************************************************

Tony is ten. His father has learned to hit him where it doesn’t show. His back is burning from the belt, but he’s already an expert at blocking it out. He’s just about made his escape to his room when he turns a corner and runs straight into Jarvis and Obie.

“Tony my boy!” Tony has steeled himself, but the slap on his back still sends fire racing down his spine. He stumbles and winces before he can catch himself. Behind Obie, Jarvis freezes.

“What’s this?” Obie asks incredulously. “You can’t let a little pat on the back knock you down Tones! You’re a Stark!” He gives Tony another bruising slap to the back before he continues down the hall to Howard’s office. Jarvis does not follow.

Like a coward, Tony keeps his eyes fixed on the ground, but when the firm hand grasps his arm he allows himself to be lead away to the kitchen. 

“Let me see.” Jarvis tone leaves no room for argument.

Tony turns around and lifts his shirt. There is a soft intake of breath behind him.

“Oh, _Tony_!” Jarvis’ voice is thick.

“It’s nothing.” He mumbles, trying to tug his shirt back down. “I’m fine.”

A gentle hand on his shoulder stops him. “You don’t have to lie to me Tony.”

Tony’s resolve, already fragile, crumbles at the touch. He collapses in on himself as a sob tears itself from his chest. “Can you make it stop?” He turns a pleading gaze to Jarvis. “I don’t want him to hurt me anymore.”

“Shh.” Jarvis gathers Tony into his arms and holds him tight, head cradled against his chest. “I’ve got you Tony. You’re safe. I won’t let him hurt you.” 

Tony cries for a long time, clinging to Jarvis like a life raft. Eventually, his sobs turn to sniffles and Jarvis pulls away slightly. “Let’s get you fixed up, okay? I’ve got a first aid kit under the sink.”

Tony nods mutely and lets Jarvis sit him down on a stool. He is tensed, ready for questions he really doesn’t want to answer, but the questions never come. “Do you know,” Jarvis says, “I used to do this for your Aunt Peggy? You can thank her for the lidocaine cream. Not that she needed it.” Jarvis laughs softly. “She’d probably shoot me if I told you otherwise. It was for me.” Jarvis’s hands still for a moment. “I’m afraid I’m not much good at seeing the people I love in pain.”

“I’m sorry.” Tony sniffles. 

“Oh hush.” Jarvis smooths Tony’s shirt back down. “Not your fault.” He turns Tony’s head to face him. “It was _never_ your fault Tony, you hear me? No matter what he told you.”

Tony nods and lets himself be led up to his bedroom. He is too old to need to be tucked in, but Jarvis doesn’t listen. He lies down beside Tony and tells him stories about Aunt Peggy until Tony falls asleep. That night, there are no nightmares.

***************************************************************

Thor has Tony up against the wall by the neck. Tony doesn’t know how he got there. He doesn’t care. “What did you do?” Thor booms. All Tony can remember is Howard and how he’d put his face so close to Tony’s right before he hit him. “Jarvis!” he cries and he doesn’t know which one he is calling for. The hard tile of the floor bite into his knees as Thor releases him and he falls. Around him, people are still talking, but their words are nothing but white noise, because there is a blank space where Jarvis is supposed to be. _Not Jarvis. Please. Not Jarvis. Not again…_

**********************************************************************

Howard stands at the door as Jarvis takes his last bag to the car. Tony isn’t supposed to be there, but he’s crept out of his bedroom and is peering at the scene from where he crouches on the staircase.

“If I hear even a whisper of this from anyone, you’ll never see the boy again.” Howard drops his cigarette and crushes it under his shoe. Jarvis nods and turns away.

“No! You can’t!” Tony screams, forgetting that he is supposed to be hiding. He races down the staircase and out the door, into Jarvis’s legs. “You can’t leave me!” He begs, face pressed into the scratchy wool of Jarvis’ coat. “You promised!”

Jarvis sinks to his knees in the wet grass, folding Tony into his arms. There is something broken in his voice when he replies. “I’m so sorry Tony. I have to go.” His arms shake around Tony. “I tried Tony. I tried. I’m so, so sorry.”

Howard’s arm is on Tony’s shoulder, roughly yanking him back. “Don’t listen to him boy! He’s a liar and a fraud. He’s just using you to get at the company.” He sneered at Jarvis. “I’m the greatest mind of our generation! My inventions have saved thousands of lives! You think any judge is going to let you take my son?”

Jarvis rose to his feet, brushing the grass from his knees. “I think that no child deserves what you do to Tony.” His voice is colder than Tony has ever heard it.

Howard’s face darkens. “Get off my property before I have you arrested.”

Jarvis closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Very well.” He turns to Tony. “You know I love you, Tony. Always. No matter what. No matter where I am.”

Tony shakes his head, tears streaming down his cheeks. “No.” If he agrees then Jarvis will leave him. “No! If you loved me you wouldn’t leave!”

“Tony-“ Jarvis reaches out to him, but Howard steps forward and Jarvis is forced back, towards the car. Tears are streaming down his face as he loads his suitcase into the car. Howard is smirking beside Tony, a heavy hand on his shoulder. 

When the car pulls away, Tony breaks. He rips himself out of Howard’s grasp and throws himself after it. “Wait! I’m sorry! I know!” Tony can see Jarvis yelling something but the driver is staring resolutely ahead. The car isn’t stopping. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Please don’t go!” He sinks to his knees in the grass. He can feel his world coming apart around him. He doesn’t stop screaming until Howard hits him hard enough he passes out.

************************************************************************  


_I wish I’d never loved you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty happy with this chapter. I thought Jarvis's death was rushed over in AoU, so I _fixed_ it. 
> 
> It also gave me an excuse to re-watch AoU. I forgot what a glorious cupcake of righteousness Steve was. I hope they don't make him all cynical in Civil war. 
> 
> I have the killer of all colds, so I'm hoping I'm not just missing a ton of errors in my delirium.


	13. To Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony's project has gone terribly, terribly, wrong. Will the team still trust him? Can he pull himself together enough to fight if they do?
> 
> 'To Hope" is a poem by Keats

“Tony!”

Tony raised his head to look at Steve. His knees were starting to ache from kneeling on the hard floor of the lab, but it was a distant thing, like Steve’s voice.

“Are you even listening to me Tony?”

Tony turned back to the mangled hologram that was supposed to be Jarvis. He reached out a tentative hand, but stopped himself before he reached it. “Yes.”

“Ok.” Steve wiped a tired hand across his face. “This thing. Ultron. You built it?”

“Yes.” Tony closed his eyes. _I built it. I killed him._

“Using Loki’s scepter.” Steve bit out the words.

Tony glanced at him. Steve’s hands were clenched, white-knuckled, at his sides. He wondered if Steve would hit him; wondered if he’d care if Steve did. It felt hard to think, to _care_ about anything. He turned back to the hologram. “Yes.” He didn’t try to explain that Jarvis was supposed to keep it from going wrong. He knew the truth. _He_ was the one supposed to be doing the protecting. He’d created Jarvis. He was responsible for him. He should have kept him safe. Instead, he’d taken him for granted. He’d thought Jarvis was invincible and now it was too late to save him.

“For God’s sake Tony! Why?” Steve’s voice was still angry, but it was also sad, betrayed. _"You could have done more."_

“No!” Something inside Tony snapped and he swung around to snarl at Steve. “I couldn’t have done more! I tried, and I couldn’t and then I found the scepter…” He fought for breath. “You left me alone to watch you die and I couldn’t lose you!” His strength left him suddenly and he crumpled in on himself. “I was so _afraid_!”

There was silence for a long moment. “What do you mean, watch us die?” Steve asked slowly.

“In Sokovia.” Tony closed his eyes, trying to hide from the memory. “I saw…”

“Shit.” Clint said softly. “The enhanced. She got to you. What did you see?”

Tony shrugged. “You were dead. All of you. Because I didn’t try hard enough; didn’t _do_ enough.” He met Clint’s eyes. “I couldn’t let that happen.”

“ _Fuck._ ” Clint ran a hand through his hair. “How did we miss this?”

“What do you mean?” Steve asked.

“What Tony did, it wasn’t stupidity or arrogance. It was _fear_.” Clint shook his head. “You know what PTSD does to you? Hyper-vigilance. Paranoia. Fear of losing people. Whatever this enhanced did to him, it played right into that. It made him desperate.”

“Desperate enough to use the scepter.” Steve said.

“Yeah.” Clint turned to look at Tony. “Just imagine how fucking _terrified_ you’d have to be to take that risk.”

Steve turned to stare at Tony as well. Tony dropped his eyes. Fear was only an excuse. It didn’t change anything.

“Why didn’t you say something?” Steve held out his hands. “Why didn’t you talk to us?”

Tony shrugged. “I’m not very good at families. Or talking.”

“He spoke to me,” Thor said suddenly, “when I last returned. He spoke of a new project that would protect the team.”

A look of horror crossed Steve’s face. “ _Ultron_ was the new project you’ve been working on?”

Tony shrugged. “I thought…” his voice broke “I thought Jarvis would catch it if it went wrong…” He wiped angrily at his eyes. “I should have known better.” He managed to steady his voice. “I understand why you didn’t want me on the team. It was just a matter of time until I screwed up. I’m arrogant, I’m selfish, I fuck up everything I touch. Jarvis was the only good thing I’ve done and I…” _Dammit! _He couldn’t keep the waver out of his voice. “I killed him.”__

“Hey!” Clint stepped forward until he was right in front of Tony. “Stop. If we kept all the fuck-ups out SHIELD would be down a hell of a lot of good agents.”

“I didn’t just fuck up! I _killed_ someone! And there’s probably going to be even more people dead before this is over.” Tony said bitterly.

Clint snorted. “Obviously you don’t know how I ended up with SHIELD. I’d run away with my brother, Barney. We joined the circus. He started making extra money by running heists on the side, wanted me to join him. I said no. Next thing I know he’s come running to me terrified, saying these guys were after him.” He shook his head. “He said they were going to kill him. I was terrified. Barney was all I had left.” Clint took a deep breath and looked Tony in the eyes. “So I shot them. And the next guys. And the ones after that. Until SHIELD caught me. Turns out no one was after Barney after all. He was just using me, selling my skills to the highest bidder.” He spread his hands out. “You’re not the only one with a body-count. We all do stupid stuff to protect the ones we love.”

“That doesn’t make it ok!” Tony snapped. 

“No.” Natasha said quietly from the back of the room. “It doesn’t.” She stepped forward to stand beside Clint. “We all have our debts to pay. This is yours. So what are you going to do about it?”

Tony looked back towards Jarvis. He didn’t want this fight. He’d been trying to _escape_ this fight. But Natasha was right. “Do you trust me?” He forced himself to meet her eyes.

“Yes.” She gazed steadily back at him.

He closed his eyes. “I don’t deserve that.”

“Then earn it.”  


Tony snapped his eyes open again. _Earn it._ He took a deep breath. “I can do that.”

“Good.” She turned away. “Then let’s get to work.” 

***************************************************************************************  
Pepper came running in two hours later. Her hair was mussed and she was carrying her heels in her hand. She didn’t stop, just ran right up to Tony and wrapped him in her arms. Tony kept himself tense for a moment, then collapsed against her. The tears he hadn’t allowed to fall earlier came pouring out of him.

“You shouldn’t be here.” He said eventually. It’s not what he meant to say. He should have said “Thank you” or “I love you” but all he could think about was how vulnerable she was.

She just squeezed him tighter. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“It isn’t safe, Pepper.”

She pulled away enough that he could see her face. “Then who will be there for you? Nowhere is _safe_ , Tony. Not from something like this. And if you think I’m going to leave you to do this alone then you don’t know me at all.”

“Oh God.” Tony buried his head in her hair. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Maybe not,” Pepper kissed him on the top of the head, “but you’ve come a hell of a lot closer than anyone else I’ve met.” She pulled away completely. “Normally, I’d tell you that you need to sleep, but from what I understand,” she looked around at the rest of the team, “we don’t have that luxury. So tell me, how can I help?”

**********************************************************************

“Tony.” It was hours later and everyone was near exhaustion, but there was something in Pepper’s voice that froze everyone in the room. “Come look at this.”

_Shit_. Her voice only got wobbly like that when things were really bad. Tony steeled himself and walked over to the screen she was working on. “What is it?”

“It’s Oslo. They found the code that’s changing their passwords. They haven’t been able to crack it, or stop it, but they’ve sent us an image of what they found.” Pepper looked up at him with an unreadable expression on her face before flicking the image from her screen up to a hologram.

The air left Tony in a rush. “This…this can’t be real. Ultron’s messing with us.”

“It’s real Tony. It’s the only thing that’s standing between Ultron and the end of the world.” Pepper stood up and grabbed Tony’s hand. “He’s still there. He’s still fighting.”

“What is it?” Steve asked, walking up to the other side of the hologram.

“It’s Jarvis.” Tony didn’t try to stop the tears. “He escaped. He’s keeping Ultron out of the banks and the nuclear codes. He’s still trying to save me.”

“Can he do anything else? Right now he’s the only one who seems to be able to stay ahead of Ultron.” 

Tony shook his head. “No. He’s limited to what he can do in the virtual world. That’s why the first thing Ultron did was build himself a body…” He froze, the breath leaving him again in a rush. It was so obvious- so perfect. Use Ultron’s creation against him. He shot Bruce an anguished look. 

Bruce shot to his feet, catching on immediately. “You want to put Jarvis in the body Dr. Cho built?” He bit his lip nervously. “Tony, are you sure? If it goes wrong…”

Tony shook his head. “It won’t. Ultron was created from fear, but Jarvis…” his voice broke. Tony took a deep breath. “He’s had control of the tower, my suits, _everything_. If he was going to go bad, he’d have done it years ago. I know I screwed up. I know I don’t deserve your trust. But he does.” He turned away, unable to keep the tears at bay. _God!_ He couldn’t believe it. To have Jarvis back, only to have to lose him again.

Pepper gripped his hand tighter. “What is it? What aren’t you telling us?”

“If he does this, he loses Jarvis. Again.” Bruce said. “Whatever comes out of what he does, it will come _from_ Jarvis, but it won’t _be_ Jarvis. Not anymore.”

Tony forced a lopsided grin. Pepper took a deep shuddering breath beside him. “Guess karma’s catching up to me already.”

“No.” Pepper whirled around to face him. “No. You _do not deserve this_. It is cruel and impossible to ask of you, but it is not god-damn karma!” She reached up to cup his face. “Impossible has never meant anything to Tony Stark. So I know you are going to put Jarvis in that machine and you are going to save the world, no matter what it costs you. But you do not deserve it and you do not have to do it alone. You have a team and you have me. _They_ ," she waved a hand at the team, "are going to make sure that Ultron gets what’s coming to him and _I_ am going to be here to hold you together when it’s all over.” She gave Tony a hard look when he opened his mouth. “And don’t you dare say you don’t deserve me. You’re standing among the greatest heroes the earth has to offer and there isn’t one who has done more, sacrificed more, than you.” She pulled her dress straight and squared her shoulders. "So let's go get this son of a bitch ."

Seeing her, standing there in front of him with fire in her eyes, Tony thought maybe he could survive this after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's here!
> 
> It took me forever. I knew where I wanted this chapter to go, but I had so much trouble figuring out how to get there. I have probably 2 chapters worth of material I wrote and didn't use. Between that, a horrible cold and vacation, it took a while. 
> 
> One more chapter written! I've got it mostly completed already.


	14. Laugh, heart, again in the grey twilight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Avengers, with Vision's help, have defeated Ultron. Haunted by his own demons, Bruce fled in a Quinjet in the aftermath. Tony can't let him leave, can he?
> 
> Contains spoilers for Age of Ultron.
> 
> Title from _Into the Twilight_ by W.B. Yeats

“Hey buddy? You gonna let me in?” Tony flew up along-side the quinjet and waved at the solitary occupant. There was no answer but after a long silence the rear hatch lowered. Tony flew in and raised his face-plate before walking up to the cockpit. Bruce was sitting in the pilot’s seat, resolutely staring straight ahead. Exhaustion was written in every line of his face. “Hey, battle’s over buddy. We won.” Tony said, plunking into the co-pilots chair.

“You think you can call that _winning_?” Bruce asked. “Because I think the people of Sokovia would disagree with you.”

Tony’s shoulders slumped. He looked down at his armor, still covered in the dust and ash of the broken city. “We beat Ultron. We got the civilians out.”

“Not all of them.”

“No. Not all of them. More than we would have got without you.”

Bruce finally turned to look at him. “You including Johannesburg in that total?” 

Tony shrugged helplessly. “Yeah. Probably. Johannesburg wasn’t your fault, anyway.”

“It DOESN’T MATTER!” Bruce roared. “The people I hurt, the lives I ruined, no one cares _why_. They just want it not to have happened.” He was silent a long moment. “You said..” his voice was rough, “you said that when everything went wrong, you wanted someone there who would know what it was like to destroy the things you love trying to protect them.” He turned to face Tony. “Well? How does it feel? Do you feel _better_?” 

"I-" 

Bruce shook his head, not giving Tony a chance to finish. “You were right. About both of us. We’re ticking time bombs, just one lit match away from destroying the world. Do you _really_ want me sticking around?”

Tony knew what he had to say. He’d known since Johannesburg. But that didn't mean it didn't sting. “No.” 

Bruce made a sound that was half laugh, half sob. “So you’ve finally come to your senses.”

“Probably not.” Tony said ruefully. “But I realized that maybe I was being selfish.” He rubbed at the back of his neck. “I considered coming with you, you know. Running away. But then I realized, for me, it would be running away. I’ve lost Jarvis, but somehow, I’ve found a family. Pepper, Rhodey, _hell_ , even the rest of the team. So this time, I’m not going to run. I’m going to stick around, find a way to make it right.” He turned and offered Bruce a sad smile. “I’ve found my place in the world, Bruce, but you haven’t. As I much as I hate to lose you, it isn’t fair to keep you here. You deserve the same chance I had; to go out in the world and find the place where you belong.”

“I don’t think there’s anywhere on earth where I _belong_.” Bruce said bitterly. 

“I know. That’s why you’re not staying on earth.” 

“What?” Bruce whipped around to stare at Tony. 

Tony couldn’t help his grin. He wasn't sure he’d been able to slip this project past Bruce. “I’ve made some modifications to the Quinjet. A _lot_ of modifications. And I had a chat with Thor. Asgardians are a lot tougher than us puny humans, and it sounds like they’ve got a few places that need a hero. I figure it’s a good place to start.”

“Tony!”

Tony held up a hand. “If you’re going to try to tell me you aren’t a hero, don’t bother. The problem isn’t that you’re not a hero, it’s that you’re human- or partly human. And humans make mistakes. Sometimes, you have to make mistakes in order to learn. Hell, I feel like every mistake I ever made was leading me up to Vision and _he_ ,” Tony shook his head, still slightly in awe, "he picked up Thor’s hammer.” He offered Bruce a lopsided smile. “I lost Jarvis, but I think Vision might be the shield I was looking for all this time. Pepper said he was the best of both of us; Jarvis and I.” He shook his head again. “I can’t...that she would think I was that _good_ , that it wasn’t just luck…” Tony felt a warm hand close around his and looked up to find Bruce smiling at him. 

“You are that good.” Bruce said quietly. 

“Yeah, well, like I said, I’ve found my place. Now it’s time for you to find yours.” Tony wiped at his eyes and smiled up at Bruce. “Find someone who believes in you the way Pepper believes in me.” He squeezed Bruce’s hand. “We’re not sending you away. We’re setting you free.” 

“I’ve never been free.” Bruce said quietly. “Not since the incident." 

“I know.” Tony clapped a hand on his shoulder. “I think you’ll like it.” 

"I'm afraid. What if I don't know how?"

"You find someone who'll teach you." Tony smiled. "My whole life, I've been driven by fear. Everything I've created from Iron Man to Ultron was driven by it. I didn't think I knew how to do anything else. Hell, until Pepper, I _know_ I didn't. But she walked into my life and she showed me how to hope." He shrugged. "It took me a while to get my head on straight, but I got there eventually. You will too." 

Bruce looked at his hands. "You really think there's a place for me out there?"

"I think there's a place for you _here_ ," Tony said, "but you need to find someone who will make you believe it."

Bruce tightened his lips. "I don't know..."

"I know you don't. That's why you need to leave. Go be the hero you can't be on earth." Tony stood and headed back towards the hatch. "And Bruce?" He looked back over his shoulder. "Make sure you come back." 

It wasn’t perfect. _Nothing_ in Tony’s life had ever been perfect. But he’d done his best. Like Bruce, he’d been driven by fear; fear for himself and for his team. Ultron had been _created_ from fear. But Vision...Vision was hope. Hope and love. He’d given that to Bruce. He didn’t know for sure, but he thought maybe it would be enough. Looking out at the dawn, he knew it had been enough for him. He snapped his visor down and flew out into the cool night air. 

“Friday? Tell Pepper I’ll be home for dinner.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well...we're done! That was a lot harder than I was expecting, but I can't believe I wrote _that_ much! This was supposed to be 6 chapters! I have 66 pages in my google docs, and that excludes chapters 1 and 2! I hope the end did Bruce and Tony justice. 
> 
> I have a few dribbles and drabbles that didn't make the final cut. I may end up posting them. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who read and commented! I hope I did justice to all the themes I covered. I know some readers have personal experience with some of this stuff, and all I can say is I tried my hardest to do you justice.


End file.
